210909

within a blink of an eye, you traveled through time. logic and time does not make sense to you. how long exactly, you wouldn't know. what happened exactly, you wouldn't know too.

as if it never happened. but you know it did.

it happened again..just like a major director's cut.

Give

The past two to three months has been really hectic. One event after another. I barely had time to breathe then in comes another event to handle. This is what you have to do when you are manning a department on your own. One leg kick, as I always say.

Some highlights of last month. My first ever event. A charity event jointly organised by my company and Sheraton Imperial KL. My company had chosen the Lighthouse Children Welfare Association for our annual charity do. We had visited the house, get to know the children, the caretakers, the founder of the home, Mr & Mrs Steven Motsy. The children were very bright and adorable. They speak very well and expressively with their big eyes staring back at you. You will surely smile just listening to them as they teach you new tricks, or ask you to play along with them. One could have never imagined that they were once violently straggled, burnt with cigarette buds, sexually abused and abandoned, left alone to go hungry everyday. Every child has a tragic story that lies beneath those bright eyes. As we listened to the caretaker telling stories of the children, it just broke our hearts. But thankfully they have found a good place to grow up as it sure does feels like home here at Lighthouse. They were brought up to live like brothers and sisters, to care and love for one another.

The children of Lighthouse have indeed touched many lives on that faithful day. Everyone was so excited planning for this event. We bought them presents, made new cupboards for the house, new metal racks, gave them cash donations for the operations of the home and treated every kid to a fun day out at the hotel followed by a scrumptious buffet meal at Villa Danieli. The smile on their faces when they were splashing about in the pool was priceless. I guess what Mr Wolfgang said was true. As much as we had given to them, these little kids had actually given us much more. They made us realize that alot of things in life were taken for granted. At least on that day, we felt a little more human inside.

Another note on charity, I had just recently receive a letter from my sponsored child. I have never receive a hand written letter before, moreover this was written in Burmese. Her name is Lun Naw and she is four. I even found doodles of flowers behind the letter 'm's behind the letter (tht must be her). Her mother wrote the letter, describing bout their life, where they live and how Lun Naw is. I really didn't expect a letter but I am glad that they wrote to me. Tho I am only contributing RM50 a month to World Vision, I really do hope that this small amount goes to good use for their community.

As much as I have plans for doing more charity in future, sometimes I question myself - Am I really doing this for the purpose of sincerely helping the unfortunate or is it just so I feel more human at the end of the day? That bothers me. You do good to remind yourself that there are people suffering out there and then you appreciate what you have today. What if you don't, then you will never appreciate your life? Feeling pity at someone's suffering so that you could feel better about your life? That is disturbing.

When you give, sincerely or not sincerely, that help, be it small or big will definitely change something or someone. That is a fact. It may not seem to have affected you, but it could certainly affect the person who had received it. It may seem little to you, but it could mean the world to the person who received your little help. But I do believe, that it will change you.

So I have realised that there is a fine line when you give and the feelings that comes along with it. I have reliased that to give, is actually not easy at all. It is a very honourable deed and in order to give, one must have a big heart. A heart that is ready to help, care and give sincerely. A heart that is ready to feel all the pain and compassion that you have towards a child,person or an organisation. And lastly a heart that is ready to be touched by the most purest and genuine gratitude that comes from a once broken soul.


I have seen and witness them and they will always stay close to my heart.

Trapped fish in a bowl

I was looking back at you
like a trapped fish in a bowl
with no where to go
swimming aimlessly
fumbling through its unknown edges
being stranded in its familiar ledges

why are you here?
you trapped fish in a bowl
with their stares daggering at you
with their doubts weakening you
you don't do what they do
you don't see what they see
you are in the end, just
misunderstood

have you ever wished you were somewhere else?
you trapped fish in a bowl
dreaming about a sea of endless boundaries
dreaming about days of serene bliss
or are you just waiting
waiting for someone to set you free?

I wish I had the answers for you
being a trapped fish in a bowl
for those questions
are my very own questions to myself

so do tell me,
why?

why are you looking at a sad trapped fish in a bowl

longest road

why does the road seem longer?
why does the traffic lights seem further?
why are we at this road?
what are we laughing at again?
seriously?
what again?

drive of life

where is my drive of life?
day in, day out
i have this now but it doesn't fire me up enough
where is it?
this is not what it is suppose to be
what is it that I need?
I can't go in and out like that
day in, day out
like a routine
like a numb routine
was this even a bad choice?
after a year, i've only come to realize?
how long more can I stay?
how long more can I stand?
there's got to be more than this
come on.
this is all you've got?
come out where ever you are
i need more than this.

much more.

March?

What? Its March already?

Hate it when that happens. Birthday celebrations, reunion, Christmas, New year then Chinese New Year came and gone too fast. Extremely fast. I had one of the most indulging, makan non-stop Christmas with friends and family, welcomed the New Year with my family as we witness fireworks in awe at my aunt's spacious balcony and after that the after party as the 'empat sekawan' - a term only those who were present that night, at a very small tight balcony at Maytower will understand ;)

Chinese New Year this year was a joyful one. I had my very first bonus and I believe that I should give my parents a share of my bonus, as a little gift of appreciation. So my dad has a new set of car tires and my mom..well I guess she pays her credit card bills with it. This time instead of tons of roasted pork, steamed chicken, prawns and all that very the full kind of dishes, we had steamboat - the Koh family style. And when it comes to the Koh family and their food, believe me, no matter what we are having there will, I repeat, will be more than we can eat. I am talking about more than we can eat for many, many days. This year will hold the record of the most lou-sang I've ever eaten in my whole entire life. I had like almost 10 lou-sangs in less than 15 days. I never fancied yee-sang but after tasting it so many times, I have begun to getting used to the taste.And like many years before we had friends over for gambling session. My love and I had concluded that we shall not play cards. We know for sure that we will have 16 or 17. Take more, kalah. Stay also kalah. Nevermind.

This year's celebration felt a little different for me. I have understand that some people give angpau out of their good will and to give money isn't an easy thing to do. Some people barely have enough to feed their own and kids. Some people are just plain stingy and calculative when they have more than they could give. They would receive with no shame and then complain when they need to give. I'd take their money and gladly donate back to them. Believe me, they'll grab it. People should give sincerely and I truly believe in that.

There are so many other things which happened. Shifting, my dear friend got married which resulted the rest of us meeting up on her wedding dinner, my poor love got very sick because of dengue and thankfully had recovered now, the weekly mahjong sessions..and yes after many many years of sitting beside our parents or aunties and watching them play until wee hours in the morning and still not understanding what is going on..I finally know how to play.

After all the celebrations and holidays, it is time to get back on track.

It was a good holiday indeed.

'08 to '09

This is the yearly ritual of documenting what has happen and what I hope and want to do for the coming year. Year end marks the beginning of the another year. Year 2008 has been a great year for me. A very good year indeed. As I am seated here in front of my comp, I still couldn't believe that in a few hours time, year 2009 will soon take over. Like many years before this, I have some resolutions that were never met. I'm beginning to feel that resolutions are over rated. Everyone makes one just to feel that they are welcoming another new year. Having said that, not all of my resolutions were met. I realized that my resolutions were petty. After so many years, I should have visions and missions. I need to get and be somewhere and next year will be it.

Now that my life is stable, no more unnecessary drama, no more endless crying, no more disappointments, no more heartaches, I feel that life is indeed good to me. Although last year I have been so low, thankfully the tables have turned. Life is good now. Love is good. I am contented. I am loved, pampered, appreciated and respected in every way. Sometimes it makes me wonder why did I ever take so long to ditch the useless old crap. To tell you the truth, I never knew why but at least I am out of it and some people are still stuck in it. Stupidity. Having said that, I am finally happy. Joy to the world. I have partied and never felt sad ever this year. Met new friends, felt welcomed, partied, raved and I am happy.

Everything falls into its place when I least expected it. Somewhere in April I was torn between two very promising career paths. There were 2 offers in hand. I was hunted by someone who had interviewed me a year ago for a position which I very much wanted but sadly they hired a mandarin speaking guy at that time. A year later, they got rid him and want me in return. I must have made an impression considering the fact that she remembered me a year later and she is more than happy to buy me out from my current company. After working for so many years, I have finally landed myself in a position where I am suppose to be.

My manager is quite a character and I've learned a lot from her. My boss, tho long winded and soft spoken, is the most humble person as a boss I have ever seen. My employment was confirmed early, my manager and I worked on a high profile event which featured a famous actor, I got to design (tho not very good at it) and will be manning the department on my own soon. For someone who has so much to learn, I am really feeling nervous but opportunity doesn't come knocking on your door all the time. I have so much to prove and this is the time. I have a reputable company in hand and it is my job to make sure that it gets the proper publicity that it deserves.

I have dreams and visions as to where 2009 will take me. It will test and prove me that the impossible could be possible if we put our heart and soul into it. This year, I am indeed very lucky to be introduced to the world of photography. I never thought I would love photography until I had the opportunity to discover it for myself. The satisfaction of taking stunning photos, the satisfaction of being able to visualize and feel the artistry of taking a good photo -street, black and white, candid, journalistic wedding coverage. Capturing moments and making it last. I think I have found the answer to my artistic needs and I have never been so enthusiastic about anything before. The feeling of that mad dash through the crowd, constantly kneeling, bending over and even lying down just to get the perfect shot is unexplainable. When you see what you can achieve through that lens at the very moment in time is just fulfilling.

I am anxious to see how far both my love and I can grow in terms of working together. I have ideas and he is technically good. With both minds supporting each other and working hand in hand, I am very much excited to see how this can be big. Some took as little as only 2 years to be where they are now and hopefully in time, I hope we could be there too.

So let's see what happens same time, same day on 2009.

Goodbye 2008!

You've been good.