2010

2009 has been a bizarre year for me.

Mentally, however was quite a struggle this year. I have the need to search for perfection but I am far from being one. I feel that I have not achieve anything significant throughout my 5 years of working life. I have begun to blame myself as to why haven't I got this fire in me to burn and to break through. I feel I am not earning enough. I feel that I know don't how to keep good relations in the office and externally. I am lacking creativity when I needed it. And what worries me most is that I can't write anymore. Not that I can or am good at it before but business writing at work isn't easy at all. I despise to be seen as incompetent but that is what I am.

At some point, work has been dreadful. I really felt that I am just in work for the sake of being in work. Being alone without supervision has deterred my growth. I have slacked tremendously. I have become the master of blaming the environment. This is simply an excuse. It was an opportunity but somehow I didn't appreciate it. Handling everything my own is not easy and somehow things got piled and yet again, I am seen as incompetent - someone not worthy of the position that has been given to me. Perhaps I am indeed a follower and not a leader and I need to be lead in order to perform.

If there is one thing that at all that 2009 has thought me, it would be - support and encouragement. And this wasn't an easy one to learn at all. I always thought I was a supportive person or at least I always thought I knew what to say to someone when they are down and in need of encouragement, words of wisdom, advice but sadly what I did was more damaging than healing to the person I love most. It is true that only when you are with the closest and dearest person you tend to show your true colours. And I certainly did. I could tell a friend that he is able to move mountains, to go the distance but I couldn't with my loved one. It has become my nature to blurt out the bad and keep the good. It was easy for me to tell him what he did wrong, what he should do, what he shouldn't do, this is better, this is not. Not that I know better than him but I sure talk like I do. So I am indeed egoistic. I have high expectations and expect people to reach my standards and it all turned to be a hurtful guessing game.

On a different note, 2009 did bring me happy moments. I've quenched my EDM thirst at Freedom to watch Ferry Corsten, Above & Beyond at A'Famosa. We had our happy trip at Jonker Street while we were there. I have attended two of my good friend's wedding - Felicia and Michelle. We went to our first out of country holiday - Bangkok and have spent the best days of the year there. We got to watch Armin up close and personal, inches away from me and even got his signature (after screaming like a mad teenager would to a Jonas) And of course the main highlight of the year is that I am officially engaged :) I am happy to be happy.

So my new year's resolution for the year of 2010:

1) understand differences and work to meet a balance
2) think less bad thoughts about anything or anyone
3) try not to be stubborn or worse snap at the person who is teaching you, especially when it is for your own good

and of course we have the infamous unresolved resolutions from previous years

4) save money
5) get a freakin driving licence (to note: I do know how to drive already but yea I'm a procastinator)

So here you are 2010, felt as if 2009 had never left.

210909

within a blink of an eye, you traveled through time. logic and time does not make sense to you. how long exactly, you wouldn't know. what happened exactly, you wouldn't know too.

as if it never happened. but you know it did.

it happened again..just like a major director's cut.

Give

The past two to three months has been really hectic. One event after another. I barely had time to breathe then in comes another event to handle. This is what you have to do when you are manning a department on your own. One leg kick, as I always say.

Some highlights of last month. My first ever event. A charity event jointly organised by my company and Sheraton Imperial KL. My company had chosen the Lighthouse Children Welfare Association for our annual charity do. We had visited the house, get to know the children, the caretakers, the founder of the home, Mr & Mrs Steven Motsy. The children were very bright and adorable. They speak very well and expressively with their big eyes staring back at you. You will surely smile just listening to them as they teach you new tricks, or ask you to play along with them. One could have never imagined that they were once violently straggled, burnt with cigarette buds, sexually abused and abandoned, left alone to go hungry everyday. Every child has a tragic story that lies beneath those bright eyes. As we listened to the caretaker telling stories of the children, it just broke our hearts. But thankfully they have found a good place to grow up as it sure does feels like home here at Lighthouse. They were brought up to live like brothers and sisters, to care and love for one another.

The children of Lighthouse have indeed touched many lives on that faithful day. Everyone was so excited planning for this event. We bought them presents, made new cupboards for the house, new metal racks, gave them cash donations for the operations of the home and treated every kid to a fun day out at the hotel followed by a scrumptious buffet meal at Villa Danieli. The smile on their faces when they were splashing about in the pool was priceless. I guess what Mr Wolfgang said was true. As much as we had given to them, these little kids had actually given us much more. They made us realize that alot of things in life were taken for granted. At least on that day, we felt a little more human inside.

Another note on charity, I had just recently receive a letter from my sponsored child. I have never receive a hand written letter before, moreover this was written in Burmese. Her name is Lun Naw and she is four. I even found doodles of flowers behind the letter 'm's behind the letter (tht must be her). Her mother wrote the letter, describing bout their life, where they live and how Lun Naw is. I really didn't expect a letter but I am glad that they wrote to me. Tho I am only contributing RM50 a month to World Vision, I really do hope that this small amount goes to good use for their community.

As much as I have plans for doing more charity in future, sometimes I question myself - Am I really doing this for the purpose of sincerely helping the unfortunate or is it just so I feel more human at the end of the day? That bothers me. You do good to remind yourself that there are people suffering out there and then you appreciate what you have today. What if you don't, then you will never appreciate your life? Feeling pity at someone's suffering so that you could feel better about your life? That is disturbing.

When you give, sincerely or not sincerely, that help, be it small or big will definitely change something or someone. That is a fact. It may not seem to have affected you, but it could certainly affect the person who had received it. It may seem little to you, but it could mean the world to the person who received your little help. But I do believe, that it will change you.

So I have realised that there is a fine line when you give and the feelings that comes along with it. I have reliased that to give, is actually not easy at all. It is a very honourable deed and in order to give, one must have a big heart. A heart that is ready to help, care and give sincerely. A heart that is ready to feel all the pain and compassion that you have towards a child,person or an organisation. And lastly a heart that is ready to be touched by the most purest and genuine gratitude that comes from a once broken soul.


I have seen and witness them and they will always stay close to my heart.

Trapped fish in a bowl

I was looking back at you
like a trapped fish in a bowl
with no where to go
swimming aimlessly
fumbling through its unknown edges
being stranded in its familiar ledges

why are you here?
you trapped fish in a bowl
with their stares daggering at you
with their doubts weakening you
you don't do what they do
you don't see what they see
you are in the end, just
misunderstood

have you ever wished you were somewhere else?
you trapped fish in a bowl
dreaming about a sea of endless boundaries
dreaming about days of serene bliss
or are you just waiting
waiting for someone to set you free?

I wish I had the answers for you
being a trapped fish in a bowl
for those questions
are my very own questions to myself

so do tell me,
why?

why are you looking at a sad trapped fish in a bowl

longest road

why does the road seem longer?
why does the traffic lights seem further?
why are we at this road?
what are we laughing at again?
seriously?
what again?

drive of life

where is my drive of life?
day in, day out
i have this now but it doesn't fire me up enough
where is it?
this is not what it is suppose to be
what is it that I need?
I can't go in and out like that
day in, day out
like a routine
like a numb routine
was this even a bad choice?
after a year, i've only come to realize?
how long more can I stay?
how long more can I stand?
there's got to be more than this
come on.
this is all you've got?
come out where ever you are
i need more than this.

much more.

March?

What? Its March already?

Hate it when that happens. Birthday celebrations, reunion, Christmas, New year then Chinese New Year came and gone too fast. Extremely fast. I had one of the most indulging, makan non-stop Christmas with friends and family, welcomed the New Year with my family as we witness fireworks in awe at my aunt's spacious balcony and after that the after party as the 'empat sekawan' - a term only those who were present that night, at a very small tight balcony at Maytower will understand ;)

Chinese New Year this year was a joyful one. I had my very first bonus and I believe that I should give my parents a share of my bonus, as a little gift of appreciation. So my dad has a new set of car tires and my mom..well I guess she pays her credit card bills with it. This time instead of tons of roasted pork, steamed chicken, prawns and all that very the full kind of dishes, we had steamboat - the Koh family style. And when it comes to the Koh family and their food, believe me, no matter what we are having there will, I repeat, will be more than we can eat. I am talking about more than we can eat for many, many days. This year will hold the record of the most lou-sang I've ever eaten in my whole entire life. I had like almost 10 lou-sangs in less than 15 days. I never fancied yee-sang but after tasting it so many times, I have begun to getting used to the taste.And like many years before we had friends over for gambling session. My love and I had concluded that we shall not play cards. We know for sure that we will have 16 or 17. Take more, kalah. Stay also kalah. Nevermind.

This year's celebration felt a little different for me. I have understand that some people give angpau out of their good will and to give money isn't an easy thing to do. Some people barely have enough to feed their own and kids. Some people are just plain stingy and calculative when they have more than they could give. They would receive with no shame and then complain when they need to give. I'd take their money and gladly donate back to them. Believe me, they'll grab it. People should give sincerely and I truly believe in that.

There are so many other things which happened. Shifting, my dear friend got married which resulted the rest of us meeting up on her wedding dinner, my poor love got very sick because of dengue and thankfully had recovered now, the weekly mahjong sessions..and yes after many many years of sitting beside our parents or aunties and watching them play until wee hours in the morning and still not understanding what is going on..I finally know how to play.

After all the celebrations and holidays, it is time to get back on track.

It was a good holiday indeed.