Dont Steal My Sun

2010

2010-01-04T10:45:00.004+08:00

2009 has been a bizarre year for me.

Mentally, however was quite a struggle this year. I have the need to search for perfection but I am far from being one. I feel that I have not achieve anything significant throughout my 5 years of working life. I have begun to blame myself as to why haven't I got this fire in me to burn and to break through. I feel I am not earning enough. I feel that I know don't how to keep good relations in the office and externally. I am lacking creativity when I needed it. And what worries me most is that I can't write anymore. Not that I can or am good at it before but business writing at work isn't easy at all. I despise to be seen as incompetent but that is what I am.

At some point, work has been dreadful. I really felt that I am just in work for the sake of being in work. Being alone without supervision has deterred my growth. I have slacked tremendously. I have become the master of blaming the environment. This is simply an excuse. It was an opportunity but somehow I didn't appreciate it. Handling everything my own is not easy and somehow things got piled and yet again, I am seen as incompetent - someone not worthy of the position that has been given to me. Perhaps I am indeed a follower and not a leader and I need to be lead in order to perform.

If there is one thing that at all that 2009 has thought me, it would be - support and encouragement. And this wasn't an easy one to learn at all. I always thought I was a supportive person or at least I always thought I knew what to say to someone when they are down and in need of encouragement, words of wisdom, advice but sadly what I did was more damaging than healing to the person I love most. It is true that only when you are with the closest and dearest person you tend to show your true colours. And I certainly did. I could tell a friend that he is able to move mountains, to go the distance but I couldn't with my loved one. It has become my nature to blurt out the bad and keep the good. It was easy for me to tell him what he did wrong, what he should do, what he shouldn't do, this is better, this is not. Not that I know better than him but I sure talk like I do. So I am indeed egoistic. I have high expectations and expect people to reach my standards and it all turned to be a hurtful guessing game.

On a different note, 2009 did bring me happy moments. I've quenched my EDM thirst at Freedom to watch Ferry Corsten, Above & Beyond at A'Famosa. We had our happy trip at Jonker Street while we were there. I have attended two of my good friend's wedding - Felicia and Michelle. We went to our first out of country holiday - Bangkok and have spent the best days of the year there. We got to watch Armin up close and personal, inches away from me and even got his signature (after screaming like a mad teenager would to a Jonas) And of course the main highlight of the year is that I am officially engaged :) I am happy to be happy.

So my new year's resolution for the year of 2010:

1) understand differences and work to meet a balance
2) think less bad thoughts about anything or anyone
3) try not to be stubborn or worse snap at the person who is teaching you, especially when it is for your own good

and of course we have the infamous unresolved resolutions from previous years

4) save money
5) get a freakin driving licence (to note: I do know how to drive already but yea I'm a procastinator)

So here you are 2010, felt as if 2009 had never left.

2009-09-23T16:15:00.003+08:00

210909

within a blink of an eye, you traveled through time. logic and time does not make sense to you. how long exactly, you wouldn't know. what happened exactly, you wouldn't know too.

as if it never happened. but you know it did.

it happened again..just like a major director's cut.

Give

2009-07-30T14:02:00.004+08:00

The past two to three months has been really hectic. One event after another. I barely had time to breathe then in comes another event to handle. This is what you have to do when you are manning a department on your own. One leg kick, as I always say.

Some highlights of last month. My first ever event. A charity event jointly organised by my company and Sheraton Imperial KL. My company had chosen the Lighthouse Children Welfare Association for our annual charity do. We had visited the house, get to know the children, the caretakers, the founder of the home, Mr & Mrs Steven Motsy. The children were very bright and adorable. They speak very well and expressively with their big eyes staring back at you. You will surely smile just listening to them as they teach you new tricks, or ask you to play along with them. One could have never imagined that they were once violently straggled, burnt with cigarette buds, sexually abused and abandoned, left alone to go hungry everyday. Every child has a tragic story that lies beneath those bright eyes. As we listened to the caretaker telling stories of the children, it just broke our hearts. But thankfully they have found a good place to grow up as it sure does feels like home here at Lighthouse. They were brought up to live like brothers and sisters, to care and love for one another.

The children of Lighthouse have indeed touched many lives on that faithful day. Everyone was so excited planning for this event. We bought them presents, made new cupboards for the house, new metal racks, gave them cash donations for the operations of the home and treated every kid to a fun day out at the hotel followed by a scrumptious buffet meal at Villa Danieli. The smile on their faces when they were splashing about in the pool was priceless. I guess what Mr Wolfgang said was true. As much as we had given to them, these little kids had actually given us much more. They made us realize that alot of things in life were taken for granted. At least on that day, we felt a little more human inside.

Another note on charity, I had just recently receive a letter from my sponsored child. I have never receive a hand written letter before, moreover this was written in Burmese. Her name is Lun Naw and she is four. I even found doodles of flowers behind the letter 'm's behind the letter (tht must be her). Her mother wrote the letter, describing bout their life, where they live and how Lun Naw is. I really didn't expect a letter but I am glad that they wrote to me. Tho I am only contributing RM50 a month to World Vision, I really do hope that this small amount goes to good use for their community.

As much as I have plans for doing more charity in future, sometimes I question myself - Am I really doing this for the purpose of sincerely helping the unfortunate or is it just so I feel more human at the end of the day? That bothers me. You do good to remind yourself that there are people suffering out there and then you appreciate what you have today. What if you don't, then you will never appreciate your life? Feeling pity at someone's suffering so that you could feel better about your life? That is disturbing.

When you give, sincerely or not sincerely, that help, be it small or big will definitely change something or someone. That is a fact. It may not seem to have affected you, but it could certainly affect the person who had received it. It may seem little to you, but it could mean the world to the person who received your little help. But I do believe, that it will change you.

So I have realised that there is a fine line when you give and the feelings that comes along with it. I have reliased that to give, is actually not easy at all. It is a very honourable deed and in order to give, one must have a big heart. A heart that is ready to help, care and give sincerely. A heart that is ready to feel all the pain and compassion that you have towards a child,person or an organisation. And lastly a heart that is ready to be touched by the most purest and genuine gratitude that comes from a once broken soul.

I have seen and witness them and they will always stay close to my heart.

Trapped fish in a bowl

2009-05-27T15:35:00.003+08:00

I was looking back at you
like a trapped fish in a bowl
with no where to go
swimming aimlessly
fumbling through its unknown edges
being stranded in its familiar ledges

why are you here?
you trapped fish in a bowl
with their stares daggering at you
with their doubts weakening you
you don't do what they do
you don't see what they see
you are in the end, just
misunderstood

have you ever wished you were somewhere else?
you trapped fish in a bowl
dreaming about a sea of endless boundaries
dreaming about days of serene bliss
or are you just waiting
waiting for someone to set you free?

I wish I had the answers for you
being a trapped fish in a bowl
for those questions
are my very own questions to myself

so do tell me,
why?

why are you looking at a sad trapped fish in a bowl

longest road

2009-04-29T12:34:00.002+08:00

why does the road seem longer?
why does the traffic lights seem further?
why are we at this road?
what are we laughing at again?
seriously?
what again?

drive of life

2009-04-13T15:29:00.002+08:00

where is my drive of life?
day in, day out
i have this now but it doesn't fire me up enough
where is it?
this is not what it is suppose to be
what is it that I need?
I can't go in and out like that
day in, day out
like a routine
like a numb routine
was this even a bad choice?
after a year, i've only come to realize?
how long more can I stay?
how long more can I stand?
there's got to be more than this
come on.
this is all you've got?
come out where ever you are
i need more than this.

much more.

March?

2009-03-10T10:32:00.005+08:00

What? Its March already?

Hate it when that happens. Birthday celebrations, reunion, Christmas, New year then Chinese New Year came and gone too fast. Extremely fast. I had one of the most indulging, makan non-stop Christmas with friends and family, welcomed the New Year with my family as we witness fireworks in awe at my aunt's spacious balcony and after that the after party as the 'empat sekawan' - a term only those who were present that night, at a very small tight balcony at Maytower will understand ;)

Chinese New Year this year was a joyful one. I had my very first bonus and I believe that I should give my parents a share of my bonus, as a little gift of appreciation. So my dad has a new set of car tires and my mom..well I guess she pays her credit card bills with it. This time instead of tons of roasted pork, steamed chicken, prawns and all that very the full kind of dishes, we had steamboat - the Koh family style. And when it comes to the Koh family and their food, believe me, no matter what we are having there will, I repeat, will be more than we can eat. I am talking about more than we can eat for many, many days. This year will hold the record of the most lou-sang I've ever eaten in my whole entire life. I had like almost 10 lou-sangs in less than 15 days. I never fancied yee-sang but after tasting it so many times, I have begun to getting used to the taste.And like many years before we had friends over for gambling session. My love and I had concluded that we shall not play cards. We know for sure that we will have 16 or 17. Take more, kalah. Stay also kalah. Nevermind.

This year's celebration felt a little different for me. I have understand that some people give angpau out of their good will and to give money isn't an easy thing to do. Some people barely have enough to feed their own and kids. Some people are just plain stingy and calculative when they have more than they could give. They would receive with no shame and then complain when they need to give. I'd take their money and gladly donate back to them. Believe me, they'll grab it. People should give sincerely and I truly believe in that.

There are so many other things which happened. Shifting, my dear friend got married which resulted the rest of us meeting up on her wedding dinner, my poor love got very sick because of dengue and thankfully had recovered now, the weekly mahjong sessions..and yes after many many years of sitting beside our parents or aunties and watching them play until wee hours in the morning and still not understanding what is going on..I finally know how to play.

After all the celebrations and holidays, it is time to get back on track.

It was a good holiday indeed.

'08 to '09

2008-12-31T17:14:00.003+08:00

This is the yearly ritual of documenting what has happen and what I hope and want to do for the coming year. Year end marks the beginning of the another year. Year 2008 has been a great year for me. A very good year indeed. As I am seated here in front of my comp, I still couldn't believe that in a few hours time, year 2009 will soon take over. Like many years before this, I have some resolutions that were never met. I'm beginning to feel that resolutions are over rated. Everyone makes one just to feel that they are welcoming another new year. Having said that, not all of my resolutions were met. I realized that my resolutions were petty. After so many years, I should have visions and missions. I need to get and be somewhere and next year will be it.

Now that my life is stable, no more unnecessary drama, no more endless crying, no more disappointments, no more heartaches, I feel that life is indeed good to me. Although last year I have been so low, thankfully the tables have turned. Life is good now. Love is good. I am contented. I am loved, pampered, appreciated and respected in every way. Sometimes it makes me wonder why did I ever take so long to ditch the useless old crap. To tell you the truth, I never knew why but at least I am out of it and some people are still stuck in it. Stupidity. Having said that, I am finally happy. Joy to the world. I have partied and never felt sad ever this year. Met new friends, felt welcomed, partied, raved and I am happy.

Everything falls into its place when I least expected it. Somewhere in April I was torn between two very promising career paths. There were 2 offers in hand. I was hunted by someone who had interviewed me a year ago for a position which I very much wanted but sadly they hired a mandarin speaking guy at that time. A year later, they got rid him and want me in return. I must have made an impression considering the fact that she remembered me a year later and she is more than happy to buy me out from my current company. After working for so many years, I have finally landed myself in a position where I am suppose to be.

My manager is quite a character and I've learned a lot from her. My boss, tho long winded and soft spoken, is the most humble person as a boss I have ever seen. My employment was confirmed early, my manager and I worked on a high profile event which featured a famous actor, I got to design (tho not very good at it) and will be manning the department on my own soon. For someone who has so much to learn, I am really feeling nervous but opportunity doesn't come knocking on your door all the time. I have so much to prove and this is the time. I have a reputable company in hand and it is my job to make sure that it gets the proper publicity that it deserves.

I have dreams and visions as to where 2009 will take me. It will test and prove me that the impossible could be possible if we put our heart and soul into it. This year, I am indeed very lucky to be introduced to the world of photography. I never thought I would love photography until I had the opportunity to discover it for myself. The satisfaction of taking stunning photos, the satisfaction of being able to visualize and feel the artistry of taking a good photo -street, black and white, candid, journalistic wedding coverage. Capturing moments and making it last. I think I have found the answer to my artistic needs and I have never been so enthusiastic about anything before. The feeling of that mad dash through the crowd, constantly kneeling, bending over and even lying down just to get the perfect shot is unexplainable. When you see what you can achieve through that lens at the very moment in time is just fulfilling.

I am anxious to see how far both my love and I can grow in terms of working together. I have ideas and he is technically good. With both minds supporting each other and working hand in hand, I am very much excited to see how this can be big. Some took as little as only 2 years to be where they are now and hopefully in time, I hope we could be there too.

So let's see what happens same time, same day on 2009.

Goodbye 2008!

You've been good.

1st AD

2008-12-01T13:26:00.007+08:00

My neck hurts. And so does both of my wrists, fingers, arms, shoulder, back, thighs and knees. Oh and I got a blister on my right thumb too. I feel so beaten up. I have never been so tired and exhausted before but despite all of the pain, I have gained a wondeful experience. My 1st AD and my first time working together with my love. Seriously.

I was thrown into the sea and I had to keep swimming. No matter what. In this case, I had to keep snapping. This is do or die. Despite only handling the DSLR not more than 5 times, he believed that I can do this. I have no experience in taking people pictures, nor event and needless to say I was pretty darn nervous and pressured. AD is not like taking pictures with friends. This is no casual affair. This is a couple's very important occasion and this happens only once in a lifetime. What if I miss important shots? What if something goes wrong with the camera? I can't be running to my bf all the time. He can't miss shots too. You can't ask people to pose for you in the midst of all that is happening. You can't rewind the scene that has passed. When a moment is gone, it is gone forever. You have to get it. The night before, I have to practice changing lenses multiple lenses with my sling bag with me. I have to be fast enough yet handling the expensive lens and body with good care. Anything goes wrong with lens or body and I will be dead and broke. Many months of my full salary will be gone. I was so nervous that I couldn't even sleep well. So many things were going through my mind. He needs this and I can't let him down. With sheer determination and excitement I shut my eyes and prayed for the best.

Next morning, we got up really early. Ealier than we would usually wake up for work and headed to our destination, Seremban along with all our packed equipment and gear. Finding the bride's house was not very difficult, thanks to my love who checked wikimapia the night before. All we needed to do it to spot the house with a red cloth hanging at the gate. We arrived at a huge white and grey bungalow with a vast area of garden. We were greeted by the bride's second brother who lead us to the bride. There she was, sitting in front of the mirror greeting us while her makeup artist continue to work on her. We introduced ourselves briefly and carried on with our work.

So off we went to separate areas of the house to familiarize ourselves with the area. Lighting, He started with shooting pictures of the bride getting her makeup done and I started off with the wedding dress. As time passes more and more people arrived at the house. It was such a happy occasion. Everyone is dressed up and looked really happy, the kids were running around. I snapped away and not long after we heard it. The sound of car horns blasting outside endlessly. That is the sign of the arrival of the groom.

I quickly changed the lens and dashed out to the front gate and to my surprise, the groom arrived in a trishaw! A red, traditional trishaw and only god knows where they get it from. It was the most cutest scene I have ever seen. A groom with a bouque of ferrero roche, looking handsome and smart in this black suit sitting in a trishaw, smiling from ear to ear. From that moment onwards everything that I do has to extra fast. As he moved out of the trishaw, I saw Anthony out so I know its time for me to get in before the girls lock the house gate. I am to cover the girl's side. My goodness these girls are sure having alot of fun torturing the guys. The guys were a creative and funny bunch. They came with their hawaiian shirts and mohawk style porcupine hat and one even with a soldier vest. They are so ready for war I tell you. They were so hilarious and very sporting. They had to eat raw bitter gourd, mashed bananas in pampers, down wine. You get the idea. Everyone was bursting into laughter and the negotiations were endless. Angpous after angpous. I went up for a while was lucky to have found the bride looking out of the window. She was smiling to herself and you could see it in her eyes that she is genuinely happy and for a moment her eyes were closed. You can tell that she was thankful for this special day. A shot not to be missed.

After distributing angpous from the groom. He made it through. I rushed and stayed in the bride's room. Now, we all know this isn't going to be easy. The groom still has to go through some more games and torture. From questions to singing song. Kesian fella. What is her favourite fruit la...when did you both started holding hands la..it was so funny. I too joined in the laughter but too bad I couldn't see what is happening outside where Anthony is covering. Thankfully the groom got all of the questions correct except for his singing. The bride grinned but eventually burst into laughters, laughing herself silly at her husband's singing. After all the havoc and negotiation the groom enters the room. One important shot. Then he unveils her veil, helps her wear her shoe and kisses her. Such sweetness. This is the part where everyone is hovering over and it was gettin difficult to get shots as the area was not big and many people were moving about. Nonetheless fire away. When you thought it was over..it was not. The guys had a 'gift' for the girls. The next thing they knew they took out party sprayers and sprayed all over everyone. The comotion was damn havoc. The girls were screaming and the guys were running around spraying till their cans got empty. Sneaky isn't it.

After that, we all knew it was the tea ceremony coming up. Family pictures. And then moving on to the groom's old house. This time the bride has to lift up her heavy wedding gown and sit herself in the trishaw. A trishaw followed by a beeline of cars and people. Tea ceremony again and then over to the groom's new house. My goodness the house was huge. I should say a bungalow. Few bungalows altogether. We quickly dashed to the groom's new room and took pictures of the decor, the bed, kids jumping on the bed, group pics and we are done.

Quarter way to done. Now, these photos taken during the day has to be selected and edited to be showed as a slideshow during dinner - which was in 5 hours time. After shooting all morning and afternoon under the schorching sun we have to rush rush and rush. Selecting the photos was a little time consuming as it has to be picked out carefully from thousand over photos. After that, the conversion of the photo format etc. Luckily the template was prepared before along with the requested songs from the bride and the end result was good. The only thing which bothered us was the projection of the slideshow. We forgot that we were in Seremban. Not some fancy hotel ballroom with decent sound and video system. Instead of plugging our laptop, we had to burn vcd and thus the quality was not so good. Bummer. We had no choice but to cross out fingers and hope the bride is happy with it.

So off we went straight to the restaurant. It was only meters away from the house. Now this is where my nightmare begun. Flash is officially my worse enemy. I couldn't handle and control the flash properly. I was not getting the shots that I wanted and was pretty dissapointed. Took a short break, had some food. At the third dish, the slide was shown. Both of us were so nervous. We were afraid that it would turn out horribly as the colour seemed pretty washed out during testing earlier on. To my surprise people actually cheered and clapped at some shots. Some were singing along and most of them were glued to the screen. Now that is satisfaction. We nailed it for the slideshow. Not long after we continued working. After only 10 minutes of eating we were asked to follow the couple. We had to go table to table, yam seng after another yam seng and another yam seng. These people can really drink their asses off. Guys were screaming from the top of their lungs, downing wine after wine. And even the groom's mother was downing wine from table to table. Terrornye aunty.

Halfway throughout dinner, the groom's brothers, sisters and cousin performed a number - when you say nothing at all. They dedicated it to their uncle who had passed away earlier this year and you could see they were holding in their tears so hard but eventually some burst into tears. I was touched by how close their family bond was and needless to say I had to take some crying shots. After that we walked round and round and round and I was getting pretty exhausted. Carrying the camera plus flash around is like carrying dumbells. You lift them up and down. Up then down. You have to bend over, kneel and at the same time avoid the kids who were running around not having the slightest idea that you are behind them, people walking from left to right and turning round and round around you. What annoys me the most are the waiters. Seremban memang seremban. They will push a huge trolley of beers when the bride and groom is walking down the red carpet in front of them! How terrible is that? That seriously happened. I am not sure of the bride but I would be freakin pissed. I'd prolly stop and yell at them but then again it ain't my wedding so I had to fire away.

At 11.30pm after shooting most of the people saying goodbye to the happy couple, after shooting some candid family shots on stage, we called it a night. Time to go. We worked from 8am till 11.30pm till my arms and fingers were aching. I went back to our table and those kind people who sat with us actually saved food and desserts for us. After having few bites we said goodbye and left Seremban. We were only half way done.

What a day. AD isn't easy at all but it sure was fun and interesting. I wish I knew more and could do better to help my love. Tho my neck and shoulder hurts, my wrists, arms, fingers, back, knees bruised, it was all worth it. It is like war. You have to be quick and precise. No second chance. No time to loose. You have to squeeze your way through without hurting anyone and the camera. Bend, kneel, climb if you have to. I better be bruised. If I am not, clearly means I didn't get enough shots.

Now half to finish up the other half of the work.

PP. Not my favourite.

Timeless touch

2008-10-21T11:10:00.008+08:00

gone yesterday

2008-09-16T17:14:00.002+08:00

my mind wanders
trying to keep count
trying to make sense
trying to remember

but its no use
it still happened
just like a dream

just like a major director's cut

Not today

2008-09-11T14:10:00.004+08:00

I wish she didn't had to say that much. I wish I didn't had to see to know that much.

Why was it so easy before? Just like a breeze. No further questions, no doubts, no uncertainties, no worries. Think no further and just do it. And you know how egoistic I am to even feel regretful about anything. I wasn't at all back then but I am now. A little. Maybe it didn't matter then. But I think it does now.

Is this what age does to you? You think more, feel more, worry more, eat more, bah. You learn more, you know more but sometimes that doesn't mean you do right more.

Well, it will be if you let it be long enough.

But no..not now. Not today.

long time

2008-08-14T11:50:00.003+08:00

sei lor.

its been such a goddamn long time since i've last wrote about anything in this lonely forgotten blog. i just do not have the flair in me anymore to rant and complain about stuff happening. boring la. what is the use of ranting but not improving right? this not nice, that not nice..this sucks blablabla. and since it has been way too long, i have a lot to write about - life, work, birthdays, outtings and gatherings but - lazy. heh. whatever has become of you char.

lets do a short one.

work - great. was like a roller coaster ride. little time, much much work, much much pressure, high expectations with the equally fickle minded lady boss who is generous, friendly but annoyingly outspoken. i had quite a tough time adjusting to work around her but theres alot to learn here. next up, the gentle, soft-spoken, long-winded big boss. generous too but tends to get repetitive all the time and nonetheless he is very patient and forgiving. he does rounds and rewards you accordingly for your efforts.

love - perfect. =) hes everything my exs arent.

k. im too lazy to write anymore.

see i told you.

2008-04-21T17:15:00.002+08:00

it is so clear, so distinctive
it is so forceful till it pushes you to the edge
and it goes again and again and again..

it is out of propotion, out of control
but yet you know and feel every little single thing..every little single detail
scene after scene

i dropped but in the end..i woke up
i am glad you are next to me
so close to me as always
and i am glad that i am with you..

my story..

2008-04-14T01:24:00.003+08:00

I always thought I would hate it

but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be

till then, one fine day I will tell my story..

Bah

2008-01-28T01:53:00.000+08:00

I ought to be shot dead for not updating my blog as frequent as I should. I'm being dramatic. It is about time to give my blog a little update. Now I tried but I simply have nothing to write about. To be honest I am having the so called 'writer's block'. Not that I am a writer or anything like that but I don't know what to write. Perhaps I am cursed - 'thou shall only be able to write when in deep shit'. I was thinking about writing what has happened at work for example..or someone's birthday celebration..or a good outing with some friends..or how I strongly feel that fat people should seriously loose weight as I nearly got squashed by the monorail sliding doors just because a fat woman couldn't move her huge, heavy arse fast enough into the train.

Anyway, I am thinking and constructing what I ought to write. Something more mature, sophisticated and fun so that I don't sound like I blog to complain and whine or simply just dully informing about an event that has happen. I do not want to sound boring but I guess I have successfully succeeded in approximately ten words from the start of this entry. And while constructing I went astray and later I totally forget what I wanted to write about.

Oh god, I am indeed cursed.

2008

2008-01-12T02:48:00.000+08:00

the captivating view of KL city

awaiting for the arrival of 2008

and it came just in time..

see ya 2007

2007-12-31T11:02:00.000+08:00

Well, well..this is that time of the year again folks. The last day of year 2007. I have to admit that much has happened this year but then again I say that every year don't I. Years ago I was dead devastated when Sher broke up with me. All that crying and crying..and crying and then he broke up with me again for younger, prettier, taller college girl. Heh. Then after that when I thought I found someone who had 'changed my life' for the better..well I did change but I have yet to conclude if it was for the better or for worse. Last year I thought I would had a blast being able to spend new years eve with someone but I ended up carrying a huge, heavy, dead drunkard who rolled over his puke and slept on the floor literally inches away from his puke. But for now, as of today, the last day of year 2007, I am happy and very much in love with a person who has helped me moved this huge, heavy, dead drunkard who rolled over his puke on new years day. How ironic.

Looking back at my previous entries years ago I have nothing much to write about other than me being tangled and played in the name of love. I am a sucker for all things miserable really. A slave to what hurts me most. But sickly, that is what inspires me most - to write. I am an emotional writer. I simply can't write when I am happy. I am less expressive when I am happy. I find it easier to pour my emotions out when I am sad compared to when I am happy. I am indeed weird. I guess the best way to see and feel when I am happy is to see my face - I smile or sitting in the balcony talking about filling up annual leave forms and laughing our asses off.

Maybe it is too soon to tell and it is not only by wishful thinking that I am saying this but I believe this time around I won't break that easily. Perhaps it is time I should blog more about other things rather than me being all so sad and miserable. My daily work stress perhaps? Political issues? Bah

My job. Work has been good. Stressful but good. Learn a lot in an area which I never thought I would - Human Resource. Although going through more than ten over countries payroll every month and at the same time handling regional hr issues is really a headache, all the hard work and effort is being paid off with a confirmation of employment. And not long after that, they revised the salary scale. Thats two raises in 3 months. I guess the main highlight of my work is working together with my superior. She is a pain in the ass sometimes and I get so irritated with her and we always end up arguing. We are both temperamental and emotional and have different views when it comes to handling issues. She is really demanding and I on the other hand, more laid back. After working in my current company for 8 months, she has asked me to think about moving further, improving protocols, implementing new rules and so on. Shit that reminds me I've got to start planning for next year because I will have another meeting with her. Which I believe we should so that we can kick start a brand new year fresh.

Oh and not forgetting new year's resolution.

Year 2008. I will (notice how I use will and not shall, just to force myself and make sure I do get it done..well if I don't im sure you'll see it in next year's list - again)
1) lose weight
2) save money
3) get a degree - or at least enroll myself in some short courses or training
4) get my freakin license done
5) dye my hair
6) get out of Malaysia for the holidays with my love one and friends. Bangkok, Krabbi..

Anyway that is for next year..

Today is the last day of year 2007 and I am definitely celebrating it and I am not staying sober

Happy New Year!

2007-12-11T18:18:00.000+08:00

If I could talk to you
Embrace you
Whisper in your ear
I would tell you

That, you are
The only
The only thing I need

:: Happy Anniversary::

No more

2007-12-09T17:56:00.000+08:00

I remember seeing them good month or two ago as I was taking the monorail to work. It was just like any other morning at the station where people were queuing up for the train, getting their reluctant asses to work after a long weekend. There they were. Right in front of me, holding each other's waists, whispering into each other's ears and giggling away. They were dazing into each other's eyes, smiling. I noticed how people were staring at them like they were some kinda freak show on a Monday morning. I honestly was drawn by their display of affection in public. It may be a normal thing to do, showing someone how much you love them, only this would be slightly different as both of them were females. Now that explains the weird stares daggering at them every two minutes or so. But they were oblivious.

I was looking at them, for a brief moment of course but I couldn't believe what I actually felt at that very moment. I was ashamed. Or should I say..I feel so much more less than that. I felt I don't even have anything close to that. Despite being misunderstood, they own and love each other whole heartedly and I on the other hand, actually envy a lesbian couple.

I didn't have a normal lifestyle. Okay maybe I chose not to. I wasted my nights spending time in the internet cafe playing wow till 5-6 morning or even the very next afternoon so that I could spend time with him but with interrupted phonecalls every freakin hour and having to hear him lie that he will be back soon. Not only that, having to see with my own eyes the pretentious maneuvering of affections from a far away person from the land down under. This went on for months. He'll knock off and sleep in the internet cafe like its his second home. God knows how much more has went on with the wireless connection he has at his so called 'home'.

My time has to be 'scheduled' so to speak. After work hours, prolly on the way home approximately 15-30 minutes. Then I won't hear from him. 'I'll call you later' and that was it. "I'll see you later' and he never shows up. I knew he wouldn't and each and every time, I was right. Weekends? Please there were no weekends. Its family day which his wife begged that I would let them have. Oh joy. I on the other hand have spent my weekends alone. Walked to the cafe, spend 8 hours minimum in the internet cafe where I can play wow and then walked myself home when my line was down at home. Just so I could see him there in wow, but he couldn't speak to me as per normal because of his wife - just to avoid trouble so to speak but he could with a particular Australian female specimen whom the whole world knows she has affection for and vice versa.

I had to get hold of him. Knowing that all of these has to be scheduled I made the move to adopt to his - adjustments. I went straight to the cafes after work so just that I could get hold of him. Took cabs at 4-5am just so that I could be there with him and only to know he had been happily spending hours chatting and questing with the much sort after australian female before I came but I just swallowed my pride and made every hour there worthwhile. Stupidity.

Now what about special occasions? I'm glad you asked. Some where good but I will never forget that I actually missed my very own brother's 21st birthday. My calls went unanswered for almost an hour so I made my way to the only place where I knew he would be and found him busy playing dota when he knew we were suppose to go together for my brother's birthday. To top things up, no he did not bother to call or even leave when he knew I took a cab all the way there just to find him. So after sitting down by the pavement for a good hour, crying and smoking frantically, I finally had to call him down. And the verdict was - why couldn't you go without me? I will be there later. Tho I'd never told you what time, I'll be there later means I'll be there later. So off we went, 3 hours late.

Christmas? He said he was in Genting for some church event with his mom but his mom called me the next morning to ask where the hell was he. I later found that he never went to Genting in the first place. Chinese new year? Nope I've not spend a single day with him during chinese new year. I wished for him so much that he would turn up at my aunt's house as part of the family but no, I forgot - he never wanted to. He had company who turned up last minute at his wife's house who gambled till 8 hours and wouldn't let him leave. I had the worse Chinese new year that year - had a huge family argument and a great let down by him promising he would turn up. I drugged myself so just that I could sleep through for hours while running Hotel Costes over and over again. And yet, no signs of him.

Oh, oh now this is the best part of them all. Now you see, he stays with his 'wife' but they sleep in separate rooms as their parents think that it is inappropriate. Did I hear you say bullshit there? I don't screw my wife. I don't even touch her for god's sake. Yeap. I've implanted those exact phrase in my head so that I can pretend to sleep peacefully at night for the past I don't know how many days and months. I am numb in the head. Interesting isn't it.

We have talked about our complicated relationship many, many, many fucking times. Too many times in fact. It's like a re-run of the Bold and Beautiful over and over again. The drama, the agony, the lust, the misery - everything without the happy ending. Although I was presented the what it seemed like to be. Three weeks after avoiding the 'hard to handle drunkard' me during Kevin's birthday as I stormed out of the room after having him hit me in the face for bitting his chest hard as my intoxicated brain couldn't comprehend the forgotten fact about him fucking prostitutes. He got sick of me. My calls for explanation went unheard. My messages were not replied. My pleads were ignored. I was left hanging. As always. Hanging. One fine night when I thought maybe it was his intentions that I should be left broken hearted with no hopes what so ever just so that I could move on - he called back. Whatever for? Supper. Oh and he missed me so he said. But this time, I did not want to see him.

It was too late. I was having my life. I must admit that I was really confused as to should I really give it another try or should I just fucking move on? He is willing to do whatever it takes, so said he. Now this means I will be having something which I had hold on and fought for so hard. On the other hand however, a brand new start, if not better. I contemplated, made myself go through it and have decided - nope. No fucking way. You're simply not it anymore. I'm even beginning to think that the whole stunt was just a made up after all.

I don't need a sensible hypocrite, a true actor, a misunderstood philosopher, a flawed perfectionist and a miserable joker anymore.

Not anymore.

2007-11-17T15:00:00.000+08:00

Char,

it was all made believe.

of all the things you have done with your life, this is the utmost ridiculous, idiotic, shameful, self-destructive decision that you have ever made. ever.

when you thought that you could step out of living in denial, you plunged deeper into it. so deep that it has eaten you up time and time again till you are once again lost. just like many years ago, you've came back to this very same state. emotionally drenched, no aims in life but just that false lie that you hold on so tight to.

i know you. i know the slits on your wrists that you made repeatedly again and again. no i did not stop you. you wouldn't want to stop. you reminded yourself clearly the hurt that you feel. each slit, each blood drop, each tear. but no it does not end there. you were suicidal but who in this world cared? hes too busy hiding and running away from reality, accusing you of being an emo fuck. you blamed and hated yourself so much that you feel ashamed to even face your friends and family. you have too much to self-guilt to handle that no, he doesn't even care.

you are a living lie. one huge, fat disgusting lie. no smiles or laughter could erase that sad fact. no hugs or kisses could cure your pain. if it was only that easy, you wouldn't be crying night after night for the past ten months, fighting for the fact that you hated reality. you wanted to change reality but Char, you are no God.

enough is enough. living with the fact that the person you love dearly got married behind your back which you single handedly found out by yourself is absurd. the worse thing is, you did not leave. you chose to fight for it and stay. for ten fuckin months you grind your teeth and bite through it. I don't even know how you could sleep peacefully at night knowing that the person you love, wrapping his arms around another woman. you could fool the world but you can't fool yourself. no one feels your hurt but you could. how much more can you take in? how many more nights can you handle seeing him have to return to his so called wife whom he claims that he doesn't love but have no choice to get married to. how many unanswered phone calls can you take? how many more weekends can you spend alone Char?

he will never be yours. so don't be his.

you brought yourself to this Char

now get the hell out of this fucked up life of yours

saturate

2007-10-07T16:46:00.000+08:00

i was wrong
i realize i couldn't stand the sight of you
you hated it
you thought you could handle it
you thought you could keep it
but why then
this is something
i could never understand
or maybe i shouldn't
yes, you did it again
so awfully familiar
you did it again

2007-10-04T20:18:00.000+08:00

why the blank, empty thoughts
when all has been decided

why the contented smile
when this is not exactly what you wanted

why the calm comfort
when it is not where it use to be from

why second
when you know that could be the answer

but maybe

just maybe..

close promixity

2007-10-01T23:45:00.000+08:00

the sudden rush
the unspoken words
the unexplainable

twist of fate

2007-09-02T20:44:00.000+08:00

when you thought that things just couldn't be worse than it already is..you're wrong. it just could be. way worse. maybe it isn't that bad. maybe it could be for the better but we just don't want to believe that it is. it just seem that it isn't. we may never know but this could be a turning point of our lives. not mine maybe. but i know for sure it is his. it could even mean that he will not be here. or maybe he'll stay. maybe he'll go but return someday and when he does will things be still the same?

it all depends on today.

if only he knows how terrified i am. i am nervous as much as he is. or even more. none of us are expecting this. not at all. it was a joke but somehow it showed right to our doorstep one fine day. all you need is just a phone call and your life has changed. then i realized how we humans have been wasting our time with little things which we hold on unnecessarily till we somehow forgot what is truly important in our lives. we forgot.

maybe it is a good change. may not seem like it but i believe that it is an opportunity if it is used wisely. after all blood is thicker than water..tho not all may agree. it doesn't take a phone call to heal the pain..doesn't work that way. its just isn't that easy.

should i be even thinking where do i stand now? as much as i want to be there all out for him but why am i just..not that excepted. this is my thing? i don't know. this is when we search for our means of escape with or without someone else. likewise. maybe i finally understand now. some things you just wish you had when you can't..some things you wish you don't have when you finally have it. humans.

its unfair. and i know that. its even unfair when you got to hurt someone in the process of doing what you are not to do. will they understand you in the end? as much as you know they will..you know they are hurt and in the end you're hurt too. unfair isn't it. put a stop they say but will you want to?

i am uncertain of what will come in my way...

i have no idea.

no fucking idea

Fate

2007-07-18T18:32:00.000+08:00

Anonymous said...

Something Hollow,
Permit me to speak,
Echo thoughts too loud too deep,
Tear a hole next to your heart
Stop the Hurt from numbing
Bleeding scar

Shell life waning, lifeless as death
No more crying, no more regret
Doubt the unthinkable do what you can't
Solace is a place only in your heart - in your own hands.

Guilt stricken anguish
No one left to blame
We all will die someday
But do we die in shame?
Helpless, confused, no quick escape
Each day yearning for something more than words can say

If I could save you from your bitter memories,
What else is then left for the future you seek?
Keep them close to your heart,
Keep the distance apart,
Something holds you back,
Just take a step back - it's better to push restart.

I'd like to relate to your poem. The words strike me from someone who has also felt the same as you, but under different circumstances. Thank you for understanding and voicing out your feelings through this beautiful piece. I shall remain anonymous but would like to be known as Fate.

Cheers.

2007-07-01T19:17:00.000+08:00

you may not understand this
i need not tell you why
i shunned away from you
to live a pretty lie
you have warned me about this
too often, too many times
i was afraid of loosing you
and i insisted that i try
i fought every second for you
for dreams and hopes we hold so tight
now that it has ruined
i have myself to blame and cry
thoughts are pounding in my head
begging to bleed myself dry
you're a worthless, pathetic being
you're nothing but a parasite
where are you my saviour
you have left me alone here to die
where are you my saviour
please save me tonight..

2007-06-21T05:22:00.000+08:00

It's what you do unthinking,
That makes the quick tear start
The tear may be forgotten
But the hurt stays in the heart.
j0nb

why breathing is bleeding?

2007-05-24T21:59:00.000+08:00

she stood infront of her and stares deep into her eyes. she wish she could have answers to her questions but there were only sighs of pain and hurt and she couldn't say anything more..she smoked cigaratte after cigaratte frantically as she battle for answers from her..

did you exist to show the world how vulnerable you are?
did you exist to prove that there isn't anything else worth living and that you are actually trapped in this sorry life and you have no choice but to live in it?
did you exist for sympathy from the livings in your life?
did you exist to prove you're a fresh piece of flesh ready to be sliced again and again?
did you exist to prove that you have failed again?
after so long..is this where you have came to?
after so long..is this why you still want to be haunted?
what is it that you're still holding on for?

you were at this very same state of life two years ago
you were looking at your very same broken hearted self two years ago

escape and deny all you want but there isn't anyone to be blamed but your sorry self.
you chose to be defenceless
you chose to be weak
you chose to be taken for granted
you chose to give it your all
you chose to believe
you chose to love
you chose to be crushed
you chose to be hurt even when you know it would

so hate yourself cause you deserve every inch of it

there will still be no answers to your questions and even if there is, you wouldn't take it. you wouldn't want to face it as you'll be too hurt to..

so breath and bleed on..

work work

2007-05-02T21:46:00.000+08:00

people i have announcement to make.

i am finally, yes finally hired!

this means its back to the working life. waking up early in the morning, get on the bus stoned, taking the monorail all the way to raja chulan, the usual 8.30 to 5.30 working hours and the top of the cream..the jam back home.sigh. yea but anyway its better than staying at home for months being unemployed and broke rite?

for once in my working life, I am in a big company. A international company. I finally have more than 4 colleagues. hah. This time, I will be working in the HR department as a HR assistant. Don't ask me how and why I really don't know. This job kinda came to me very unexpectedly. I went for the interview on Thursday, and the second interview on the same day itself right after. Later during that day, I got a call back from them offering me the job and I start work the next day straight. Now it was that fast. The best thing is, my interviewer was the one who suggested that my requested salary will be my probationary salary. Meaning she thought what i requested was actually low and by the time i am confirmed, they will pay more than I actually requested and that was the first time meeting her and she was already so nice! lol

now, my first day of work went well. I work with a bunch of payroll finance girls and my supervisor. We will be dealing with alot of employees of the company for many different reasons, branches from all over the world like Australia, India, China, etc. Saying that, I have lots to learn especially when it comes to payroll cut day or somethin like that. Different countries practice different pay law and many more. But on my first day, i started off with preparation of the employees card. Getting them access card where you 'tee-tit' at the door. heh. Got to see all more than 300 over photos of the staffs. We actually have staffs from Japan, Australia, China, Korea and many other countries.

So lunch time on my first day. We had lunch at The Ship which was round the corner to celebrate the departure of one of the girls whom I am eventually replacing. Got to mingle around with some other finance guys and I must say there is this particular guy who reminds me of Jared very much. The way he talks, his sarcasm and things like that.
So we had our lunch, talked about how old I am and theres this coincidence that whereever I work, I so happen to be the youngest one. and yea i was the youngest of em all in my department lol.

Now I must say that many of them has this certain english accent when they talk especially the sales people and I have no idea why. Heck even the receptionist speaks funny. As if shes a mat salleh. The people there are very lively, bubbly and out-going. I find some pretty fake but then, being in an international company i guess its a culture that they acquire throught their working days there.

So now, no more late nights. No more sleeping in the morning and waking up in the evening. No more wow marathons. No more morning yam cha sessions. heh. but then its all good coz ive got to work. gosh i can't believe it feels good to say that.

madness.

omg its time to sleep.

reality check

2007-04-20T23:41:00.000+08:00

i know. my blog is dying for an update. now the honest reason why i don't feel like updating my blog is because of my mundane state of life. yes i am still currently jobless. didn't manage to get the job that i wanted as a coordinator for a corporate communication department in a company in Sheraton Imperial. need not mention how dissapointed i am. even more worried now with the fact that my bank account is running out of funds and im losing hair, losing weight and losing sleep. i hate it when someone asks, 'have you got your job yet anot' and the usual answer is 'nope not yet' and i hate the fact that i spend at least 1-2 hours tossing and turning on my bed contemplating and thinking about my state of life.

now, call me nuts but thank gawd for my new found form of escapism. dont hit me yet. world of warcraft aka wow. hey you guys hog the damn ps2 to play game for hours too why should this be any different? i admit i've spend endless hours in front of the computer on this plastic chair and sat there and played till my ass turned numb. my ass practically followed the shape of this plastic chair. heh. slept in the mornings, got up in the evenings continued playing till the morning and the cycle goes on. but for the first time in many many months, i got to sleep - peacefully.

don't understand why don't you. i don't expect you to.

i have to admit that it is my form of escapism. heck its 'safer' then shoving liquor down my throat and be all emo about life rite.

temporary bliss but jeopardizes reality. it has to be this way doesn't it.

tagged again

2007-04-09T11:06:00.000+08:00

im gonna say this out loud

macauhai tag kau me for what?

balik-balik also read the same thing what..

go la tag someone else

-_-

less human

2007-03-15T15:20:00.000+08:00

let me tell you my encounter while having my daily dose..

there was this particular couple at the cafe. the guy was as usual, the girl, lookin 'ah-lianish' and oh yes she did sound like one also, was clinging on to his arm starring at the monitor screen as her bf plays the ever famous addictive game, world of warcraft. she sounded very enthusiastic about almost everything. i swear i mean everything!

heres the conversation. it might not be in order but i guess it's about 80% close to what i've heard. believe me..i actually listened. and of course, its all in cantonese

girl: lou kong! how come you jumping around one? cannot walk one ar?
guy: haha coz im the dancing elf mar..
(in world of warcraft some characters will do a particular jump, for example a spin after you consistently jump many times. for this case, the elf spins)
girl: ha ha ha! so cute one geh. haiya dont spin la! can walk mar don't want to walk geh
guy: no reply
girl: lou kong ar..this saturday ***** ask us to go Loft wor. there is some charity thing going on there. ask me to go then ask you to go also wor. for charity one geh..25 bucks per ticket
guy: go there do wat
girl: i donno wor..like help him sell the ticket. for charity one geh
guy: oh..
girl: lou kong! we long time never watch movie hor. i want to watch that cheng e-kin that wan ar. ask ******** and his gf also watch with us la. i do the booking ar?
guy: k
girl: lou kong dont kill the zebra! the zebra so innocent..yer...
guy: sei la lei! mou lan yung.. (while chopping some monsters)
girl: lou kong kill the dinosour! faster kill! hahaha. ha he run away! he know you very strong he cannot win you wor!
guy: (talks to other friends about armor and quest)
girl: lou kong! you got exam hor..haih why come all your exam also thursdays one geh. last week also. your results come out already anot ha?
guy: come out already
girl: hehe my lou kong so smart sure get A one geh la!
guy: my results ok la..
girl: u play this game everynight sleep so late! haih..you got wake up for class anot? someone going to let me nag and pull ears already hahah!
guy: no reply
girl: i got so many work to do la...i so tired. i very scared ar lou kong..need to so "honestly i donno wat it is, didnt hear properly" in front of 150 over people ar...how??
guy: uumm..
girl: aiya sei la! i haven't iron your clothes wor..tomorrow you got no clothes to wear wor. hhmm..
she was more like talking to herself

then it went silent for a while. thank god. but when i thought it was over..

guy: think im tired already. after i send in this quest then i 'kau tim' already
girl: hou yeah! can go back and sleep already! go better go and take bath you so smelly
guy: no reply
guy starts shaking his leg
girl: you 'kap liu' ar? you want to go toilet then go la
guy: no la
girl: everytime u 'kap liu' you sure shake your leg one.
guy: hai meh?
girl: hai la! haih..everytime also liddat! go la! dont 'yan liu' la! go la..

after a good two minutes he finally left his seat and went off. btw 'kap liu' means needing to pee badly. 'yan liu' means tahan-ing your pee

oh my lord...

*speechless*

imagine that. at that very moment i couldn't help but to feel pity for that guy. she was asking questions after questions after questions, talking to him like a dumb blond and nags at him like his bloody mother. even i was exhausted listening to them. probably she didn't understand the game. probably she just wants attention. probably she was plain bored but pretend to take interest in whatever he's doin even when he's elf was jumping so she won't feel left out. probably she couldn't understand him. one thing i know for sure, she has definately 'fan' the hell out of him. i don't know really. the thing is maybe hes used to it. that is sad.

now that particular incident got me thinking.

sometimes we have to put up with things that we don't want to. in some particular cases, some people simply don't have a choice. your partner could be a first class procastinator or maybe he/she is a very irresponsible person or he/she likes to complain hell alot about almost everything or maybe he/she doesn't flush after using the toilet. there are just so many things which we have to tolerate and stand for the sake of what? for the fact that no one is perfect, i am not perfect either. or perhaps it is all in the name of love?

let's talk about what if a couple has been together like forever? three years? seven years? worse..married? now that's a no choice. its like a expired, long over dued relationship of tolerance with the declination of passion, intimacy and above all things, love. simply because they are used to each other. more like stuck with each other. sad but things like these happen. not to all couples but i've seen enough to prove it correct.

when you have no choice but to live with the things you have to, you put on a mask. a pretentious one. like that guy did. he answered accordingly to her. he nooded accordingly to her. he even answered one or two phonecalls and lied that he was playing dota and cut the calls off promptly simply because she was there. i swear there are no spinning blood elfs in dota i tell you. probably he doesn't want to get cock stares and nagging. he layan-ed maximum. he could with the mask he put on and of course, it all depends on what he wants or what is best of the situation that he is stuck in. probably for that particular moment. perhaps he just wanted peace. maybe she'll be tired of asking questions that eventually she'll just shut up. if he ask her to shut up and leave him alone so that he could just play his game, he'ld probably have no sex for a week and not forgetting endless 'you don't care about me anymore, you don't love me anymore' remarks.

i was wondering. how long can he live with that? now that mask can pull you through a long way but for how long? long enough till you loose your senses? long enough to feel numb? but somehow i dont understand how some people have no choice but to stand the other when hes tired and doesn't want to but have to do it.

what happens to their dignity?
what happens to their needs and wants?
what happens to their feelings?

at the end of the day..when it all gets back at you, when you couldn't stand it anymore, but you have no choice but to just tahan and pretend..i wonder what would he do? i wonder where would he run to?

enough about feeling pity. i feel lucky.

devilicious

2007-03-13T16:45:00.000+08:00

inspired by kev's post i started looking for the uncut version of who's your daddy video by benny benassi. excuse me people if you've got no idea who benny benassi is..push me and then just touch me until i get mah satisfaction. push push push push? no? don't know? heck u can stop reading then. now..u want the uncut version i've got the uncut version and i know where exactly where it is.

http://www.offlimits-forum.com/bennybenassi/whos_your_daddy_uncut_WMLo.htm

I've got more. I've got a better video, tho a little raw but I love how the tracks are mixed. See how many tracks you could recognize from this video. sit back and enjoy.

told you it was good eh *hot hot hot* he's good.

now..crackin ur head wondering what tracks are they eh? familiar tracks aren't they?

technologic - daft punk (but its obviously remixed)
put your hands up for detroit - fedde le grand
who's your daddy - benny benassi
renegade master - A.D.O.R (remixed as well)
smack my bitch up - prodigy

i manage to identify all of em in less then 10 minutes. woohoo. well not all la..don't know the last track.

i hope my bro watch it, listen to it and mix something like that one day.

hell yeah

Hallelujah!

2007-03-12T22:36:00.000+08:00

People I have an announcement to make : I went to church!

lol

no big deal for some but it is for me.

I always believe that God works in mysterious ways and He did.

Tagged

2007-03-05T22:36:00.000+08:00

well ive got tagged by the one and only mohamad kevin..the best thing is i didnt know i was tagged till like after 5 days he posted it lol. so here it goes

three things that scare me:
1) catapult based sling shot which is like freakin 8 stories high at KL Tower (the worst i tell you!)
2) being fat
3) losing sane

three people who make me laugh:
1) my silly ling..when he goes 'ooooh my god.....tiu-lia-ma-chao-fa-hai-ka-ni-nia-bui-chao-ci-baaaai'
2) jared with his racists jokes
3) believe it or not...my brother (silly girl..)

three things I love:
1) sunbathing beside the beach listening to the calm waves rushing to the shore while sipping on my beer
2) white
3) being happy

three things I hate:
can write more than 3 ar..
1) people who are constantly envious about other people's life
2) being hurt when you've given your all
3) RnB nites at clubs

three things I don't understand (never):
1) God
2) men
3) technology

three things on my desk:
1) half-full ashtray
2) half-empty packet of dunhill lights
3) my shinning gold zippo

three things im doin right now (besides blogging):
1) talking to frens on msn
2) listening to mah pumping trance
3) smoking mah dunhill lights

three things I want to do before I die:
1) have a husband (a good one that is..)
2) have kids
3) have grandkids (i wanna yell at them when they jump on my couch lol)

three things I can do:
1) i can play the piano..tho not very good now after so many years of not playing it
2) i can type really fast (oh wow..)
3) i can smoke..

three things you should listen to:
1) obvious advices for the obvious reasons
2) trance
3) more trance lol

three things you should never listen to:
1) excuses
2) insults
3) my grandmother

three things I like to learn to do:
1) drive (yea yea..go on and laugh)
2) cook
3) grow taller -_-

three favourite food:
1) tom yam!
2) asam laksa
3) cigarette considered food kah?

three beverages I drink regularly:
1) limau ais
2) milo ais
3) coke

three TV shows/books I watched?read as a kid(and kid i refer myself as before hitting the age of twelve):
as you know people..i dont read
1) doraemon
2) tom & jerry
3) looney tunes

k la enough already.

gone too soon

2007-02-23T02:31:00.000+08:00

its that double combo of the year. valentines and then chinese new year. i got a personal chef, lovely dinner for the nite and a nice shining zippo from my one and only =)

now about chinese new year. the last minute shopping, the kecoh-ness..my aunts, cousins, relatives and not to mention grandma *pengsan* and who can forget the amount of food that we have on the table. but no matter how kecoh it could get with all the people walkin in and out the house, the angpaus, the gossips, the laughters and yelling during gambling session, it was all good. its not that everyday we get to see my aunt hopping for joy when she got a freakin donno how many times double ace in a night.

we didnt go visiting during chinese new year this year. felt a little weird as we always go visiting, especially to my mom's side of the family. manage to go to kev's house, chuck's house and my aunt's house tho. had some gambling sessions as usual with the whole gang..

to be honest, chinese new year this year wasn't that great for me..

had more heartaches that i can handle compared to being joyful and not to mention a shit load of dissapointments.i am really crushed for many many reasons. reasons which i cant even have control over. ive come to a point where i have started to ask god why is he testing so much of me..and why is he taking all that is left of me. i really hate feeling helpless and worthless..

ive learnt to shut many of my emotions off..which i don't even know if its a good or bad thing anymore. its like a different level of understanding and accepting things. hate it but i can't have control over it. in some ways this had taught me to be thankful for little things that is still left..or which comes along the way

oh well..

rojak

2007-02-09T17:17:00.000+08:00

i have to recommend this blog la

http://rojaks.blogspot.com

damn kau funny..

seriously..

if you could understand our normal daily command of chinese swearing language then its even funnier

check out the most read posts on your left

no regrets

no bluff you wan..

u sure laugh by yourself in front of your monitor screen just like i did

haha..

quickie

2007-02-09T16:50:00.000+08:00

ive been sick. for the first time in my life, i went shopping while having fever and believe me..it wasn't a good experience. walking around shivering for the past 3 hours while my mom is so indecisive of which bra to buy..sigh. go figure. the moment i saw those lacey multi-coloured bras flashing at me..i seriously couldn't take it. i sat at a corner and thank god for the benches along with 2 other men, one and elderly men who looks like the father..and the other a younger one..who looks like the son. they'd probably been waiting for daugther/sister who is busy choosing her perfect right bra. wonder whats the fuss about bras anyway. believe me when i say that a cheaper bra could fit me way better than one which cost RM60 over bucks..madness. why bother.

been coughing and coughing..and coughing. having a really bad sore throat too. i am so craving for a cig right now but no...i can't. got interupted sleep as well as i was coughing non-stop the whole night..my ling was scratching his face non-stop..so its either i woke him up and then not long after he woke me up..well at least he hugged me tight to sleep and didnt let me go..more like he didnt let me move lol. sweet ling.

okay..anyway damn mouliu...and i am writing nonsense. job hunting..nothing yet. oh i hope i lost weight for not eating much for the past 3 days. oh ok job hunting..as i was saying nothing yet.

can i listen to music, smoke, blog, go online, chat, watch tv, play games, hang out, shop and get paid?

please..pretty please?

zoology

2007-02-05T17:57:00.000+08:00

well most of us have already blogged about our fun and exciting and unexpected trip to Zoo Negara on each of their own blogs respectively. I also abit the lazy to write about it already..u guys can go check out kev or jane's blog for more and full details and some pics and videos.

wait. yes you read that right. Z-O-O N-E-G-A-R-A! oh my gawd. seriously..the last time ive ever been to Zoo Negara was a good 10 years ago and that was because of this kindergarten school trip we had. all i can remember is that there were train rides, kfc..monkeys..and thats about it. its a real good thing that we have finally decided to get our asses to the zoo, despite some malaysian timing problem from the one and only who complains hell alot about malaysian timing herself haha..but its ok we had breakfast while waiting for the rest of the gang. for the very first time, the most unpunctual people *ahem ahem* i have to admit la..me and kev :P of all people were actually the first to arrive at esso mamak before we adjourn to Zoo Negara.

honestly i didn't expect to have so much fun. hell, with the whole gang together put us anywhere and we could still have fun even if its the damn cemetery lol. ITAs will always be ITAs no matter where we are. making fun of the animals..trying to spot hidden animals. i tell you most of the time i was trying so hard to spot the animal amongst the bushes and trees and shade. one partition is really huge for a small little kancil hiding right at the very end corner at the bottom of your nose i tell you. so you could only see leaves, bushes, some dirty water..most of the animals were sleeping! sleeping under the nice warm sun and yes we have shane shouting his lungs out 'Oi wake up la! We pay 15 bucks to see you sleep ar?? Wake up and work la!' I swear theres this lady with her kid were laughing at us and not only that, the sleeping tapir actually woke up because of shane's shouting.

besides that we saw a really cool orangutan..camels, deer, snakes, huuuge ones actually, fishes, bats..and lots more la. most importantly we spotted

1) monkey - mohamad khirun
2) hippo - wynton
3) seal - thats me and it was doing a damn cool animal show
4) crocodile - marcus
5) wild dog - douggie
6) camel - a new name for my lning and dont ask me why lol
7) giraffe - shane

all i remembered was the nice hot sun and lots of walking and laughing. some spontaneous video moments..the steve irwin got shut up by biiii!! moment haha..hilarious shit. we ate some fried chicken..got free ice cream..hehe..overall it was a really good trip. just really glad that ive actually been to the zoo with the one and only gang..dont think i would have as much as i did if i went there with some other people.

anyway quick update about me. i hate to announce this. i am currently jobless - again. dont ask why. sigh. anyway im on the hunt for another job. i hope i really find something proper, better..i need to 'change'. ish pening. chinese new year is coming up soon..need to shop..need to buy stuff..need to spend..oh god.

honestly i was not in a good shape both mentally and physically..wait i was never in a good shape physically haha. very very drenched..why do things always happen. one after another..and another.

well people pray for me..i need a freakin job!

ok thank you..

2007-01-28T23:12:00.000+08:00

what would you do

when you reach the edge

when you reach a point

where you know

that not even

you

your very own self

could help

you

anymore..

Best of You

2007-01-26T22:36:00.000+08:00

I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best of you?
Is someone getting the best of you?
Are you gone AND onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
No, I refuse

Is someone getting the best of you?
Is someone getting the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
Your trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best of you?

Who She Is

2007-01-25T13:16:00.000+08:00

Who She Is
Regina Barreca

She's the nicest woman you could ever meet; in fact, you might have met her. You might know her fairly well and you might like her a lot without being aware that she's sleeping with your husband. She is a nice woman, really. This is the only part of her life that can't be admired, that can't be examined, that can't be discussed out loud. It's the only part of her life for which she doesn't respect herself and it keeps her miserable, even when she's happy, because she knows whatever happiness she has is stolen and illegitimate. She's not a fool even though she knows she's acting like one.

Or, she's not sleeping with your husband -- maybe you're single, maybe you have different relationships in your life -- and so this is a friend of yours, a woman you've come to consider a good and dependable part of your life. She's an elementary school teacher, a physical therapist, a pharmacist, a social worker, a bank executive, a swim coach, an engineer, a computer programmer. She's been your friend since junior high, your college roommate, your best colleague, your neighbor, your confidante, without revealing this part of her life to you because she suspects that even at your most understanding you wouldn't understand. You couldn't unless you've been through this and she knows you haven't. Or she thinks she knows you haven't but one thing she has learned is that nobody is exempt from the possibility of this happening -- if a person could claim exemption, she'd be first on the list.

So she doesn't tell you, her best friend. You might judge her harshly or, even worse, stop speaking to her altogether and she can't bear the thought of losing you. She's already surrounded by the possibility of loss and will not add to it, even at the cost of not talking about the very thing that consumes her waking moments.

Educated, polite and brought up by a loving family, she's not a particularly hot tomato or the kind of woman usually transported across state lines for immoral purposes. Attractive, fun, attentive and considerate, she is deeply committed to those she loves and that's one of the reasons this tears her apart, One of the things she loves about this man, after all, is the way he treats the ones to whom he is closest.

Not her -- he can't treat her as if she were really in his life, after all -- but others. His real family, the inhabitants of his real life. If he were an emotional bully or an emotional slob, she wouldn't have been drawn to him in the first place. Those aspects of his life he betrays to be with her are the very parts of him she would never wish him to compromise. So she understands how divided he is, how he feels like a piece of meat being sliced up by a rusty knife, how he feels like he's drowning and suffocating and being eaten alive all at once. He, too, is a decent person, except for this business of loving someone he isn't supposed to love.

Holidays are hard, but so is spring and so are winter nights, summer mornings and long, early-autumn afternoons. The phone is her lifeline and she has about 17 different ways of being reached in case some shard of time can be broken off and given to her. She'll take what she can get -- not in a way anyone would think of her, but in this case it's true. There are codes they use to communicate what can't be spoken or written; these were funny at first but over time they have be come as serious as a car crash.

Maybe it ends when there is a car crash and they're in the front seat together, returning from a place where they never should have been, suddenly having to make up a series of lies to disguise what everybody around them now suspects is the truth. Even if they get away with it, the experience wrecks them, mangles what they had beyond recognition. Or, she goes to his kid's high school graduation ceremony and realizes that it's been 12 years already and that she could have had a kid herself by now, one in the sixth grade.

Or it continues. Impossible nights, intolerable weekends, endless violations of everything she knows about how life should be lived, but they have loved each other for so long now, how can it stop? She starts to worry that he'll die of a heart attack and no one will tell her for days because why would anyone think to call and tell her an incidental piece of bad news about some guy she never knew very well? Or she starts to think about her own final moments. This is the worst.

She can't believe this is her life. Nobody else would believe it either, even the man. It's a tough, rotten, exhausting routine. Nobody chooses it on purpose. This is not a defense of her: She knows better than you that what she's doing is indefensible. Don't ridicule her, and don't think you don't know her. You do.

birthday, birthday and birthday

2007-01-15T23:53:00.000+08:00

i have never attended three birthday parties in a row all in a day. first, joe's 23rd birthday at menara kl, chris's 21st birthday at sunway lagoon clubhouse and lastly, mark's 26th birthday at pacific regency. whoa..damn tiring i tell you. but it was all worth it - fun. different fun at different location.

joe's birthday at menara kl

now let me tell you what i did at menara kl. i guess many people didnt know the existance of these activities which are available in menara kl. people..it has been there since almost a year ago la. but anyway im talking about the G-Force X, a sling-shot based catapult or also known as the reverse bungee and Flying Fox Park where we get to glide from tree to tree. Both activities was my very first. I am terrified of thrill rides for those who didn't know. the last upside down thrill ride ive been on is this sky flyer in sunway lagoon waaaay back in my form 4 days. *dieded* i screamed till my tears came out i tell you..

first off, the flying fox. Ive never done the flying fox before. wearing the harness and everything. we all look like construction workers lol. we all slided about 3 cables..meaning 3 different route. across the roads, near the trees and it was good fun. at the last deck i terlanggar the wooden tiang. not the tall one but the short ones on the deck as there was no loop to hold and stop you at the last deck. mahai. the stupid fella standing there like dungu. i thought he would stop me but nooo...he asked if i was ok, looking at my bruise and if i needed a first aid kit. i was like ' i thought you were suppose to catch me if i was landing too fast.' he said, 'i was suppose to let you crash' wtf.

now..the things we do for a friend. can you see how freakin high the bloody thing is?? "Utilising two towers up to 60 meters in height, the rider capsule is suspended between them and launched high into the air at speeds of 120 kmph, where at the top, both riders will experience ‘weightlessness’ before descending to the ground." i tell you...i freaked out whn i was up there. i was kicking my legs, screaming, clenching and injuring joe's arms till i was goin to die up there. it shoots you all the way up n when it falls, the ball rotates forward and basically you are falling facing down with all the force pushing you down and then it flips back and goes up again. up and down. up and down for about less thn 3 minutes. but it was long enough to kill me. oh wait. theres till huge flat screen where it projects whats happening up there. you screaming and all and yes...everyone can see nearly about everything you do up there. sigh..so this is what you get when you're rushing, leaving to another party but got your handbag and car keys with the birthday boy.

chris' birthday party at sunway lagoon clubhouse

dresscode - formal. we were informed weeks ago that this will be a formal occasion. interesting and different as i've not seen everyone in the group all dressed up in formal before. ive bought a RM 120 black and white dress and i love that dress. finally the night has arrived and even with my huge bruise off i went. we all arrived to the club and it was a pool side buffet dinner party. we had makan...played games..took pictures and then the cutting cake ceremony. it was a huge key shaped cake with the big 2-1. legal age man. chris cut the cake, his brother gave a short speech and so did chris which ended with the mandatory yaaaaaaaaaaaam seeeeeeeeng!! we left pretty early as we have another party to attend to..

mark's 26th birthday at pacific regency

dont know where that is? think luna bar. they rented a suite there and had their own party with of course our very own music. we got there just in time for the cutting cake ceremony. mark got smashed with an egg. eeeww..some of us makan - again, drank beer..played cards and of course get to see my bro spin. wasnt the usual as it was a cd-j and got to know a few of mark's friends whom they all thought that i was the younger sister..blah. anyway mark was walking around with this bathrobe saying 'hou lan wan ah..' he did a few spins on the floor..cangkung-ing for i donno what reasons..funny. towards the end i was getting tired but i still did manage to enjoy my good ol'tracks. savour it. so, we went back and reach home at about 5am.

now, the worse part. i couldn't sleep after that. damn. tired but i couldn't sleep. as everytime whn i am about to fall alseep, i fall. this subconscious feeling where i was falling forward sitting on tht stupid reverse bungee ball thing. it was that bad. it was horrible. woke up a few times with my heart pounding. i resorted to staring at one blank spot throughout the morning..wishing someone was here to comfort me. but it didnt happen. so i could only comfort myself.

so..there it is. 3 birthday parties and a tired me.

ego

2007-01-12T13:41:00.000+08:00

ego.
we can never get enough of it. we give into them. we feed them. we feed on them. there is nothing more important than yourself - your wants, your needs, your pride and your win. we want to win. we have to win till nothing else matters in the end. even if we lose, even if we could not get what we want in the end, at least we strive all out and did it our way and none other's. even if we fail, it is our very own failure and others.

ego.
head strong. it heals. it damages. its mighty strong enough to either make you or break you. and it is not only you that it could break. it breaks your dreams, your hopes, your life. your own ego could hurt you. your own ego could make you a mistake. your own ego could turn the tables against you. your ego could kill you with your very own hands. your own ego could make you realize that it doesn't have to be your own ego who is hurting you taking all that is left in you - it is someone else's.

ego.
the battle between egos. like a heartless sinister plan, like a mindless fairy tale, like a pretty painted picture..one has planned to nail the other, one think that they have already successfully nailed the other, one think that they have already been nailed. in the end, both and all have pretty much nailed themselves onto the wall instead. dead.

ego.
teaches you to be in the advantage. teaches you to take the advantage. makes you the advantage. it doesn't have to be at your advantage to be your advantage. it doesn't have to be win-win situation either. all may rise and you may fall and all that you have gained will be lost. in the end but ego will have the last laugh.

all it needs is you and you alone.

ego makes you..less human after all

Happy New Year!

2007-01-01T21:09:00.000+08:00

hell of a celebration. bbq at mark's place and more drinking at score with pumping music played by one and only dj curz. fireworks galore, more beer, estacy bliss, puke, bruises and last but not least, fun. its a silly thing forgetting to bring the camera on such occasion. can't really capture what went on last night but thank god for the camera phone.

yes, kevin we know

poser

first new years with my love

the cangkung gang

bro and fireworks

khirun, teck onn, bro and a hand

getting ready to fire

bro spinning

the ta kei kakis

im taking a picture of you taking a picture of me

doug n jane

zero to hero

i really dont know wats this

yup we all know what happened after that

so that is it. what a way to welcome the year 2007. went home at 6am and now i feel like ive been in a fight last night. muscle sore and really tired.

so again people, Happy New Year! may this year be a great one for all of us. cheers!

2006-12-31T14:28:00.000+08:00

you are really going
you are leaving
you are going to be only a thing in the past
a memory. a flashback. an experience. a lesson.
perhaps i'll think of you once in a while
perhaps i'll never will
perhaps i'll just let you go..

offshore

2006-12-26T12:02:00.000+08:00

This is my song for year 2006.

my stoned days. the uncertainties. the change of my life.

never fails to bring back memories and feelings that you've felt at that very moment.

the warm sun shined on my face and as i looked over to my right, he was no one.

Christmas

2006-12-25T23:13:00.000+08:00

the walkway

cosmopolitan and my dunhill lights

the concourse area

'well at least i am celebrating Christmas with one of my best friend here' so said i to kevin when the clock strikes 12 midnight, marking the start of Christmas Day. we have decided to go to Le Meridien and hang out at the lounge where shane is. I had two lovely cocktails, a cosmopolitan and long island tea, had nice conversations and company while admiring the pretty Christmas deco while the live band plays on. The place was filled with people, families, couples and groups of friends sitting down enjoying their drink, laughin and talking away. It got pretty busy during the night but in the end our friend is done and good to go. i was pink as ever. red even and as usual, i have a huge red patches on my tighs. yup that is the sign of alcohol taking over my body. it scared kev a while. haha coz he had never seen me like that. so on the way out we conveniently 'took' some candies in the concourse area. there was a huuuuuge pile okay. i mean huuuuuuge pile. lollipops and sweets stacked up 30cm high at least. cant resist.

so anyway, we head back to shane's place. this my first time going over to his new house. we all chilled out on his balcony, drinking beer, liqour, had my very first tequila shot with too much salt and no lemon. that i will remember for a very long time. we each had one. me, kev, doug and shane. bluurgh. we even played the 'batman, superman and wonderwoman' game. it was hilarious. after a while, we were all loosen up, talking a little too much and yes having fun. then suddenly the host is down. yea so he claimed it was my cigarette that i gave him. right after the cigarette, shane sat on the floor and said, 'guys...i cannot already' and started to shut down. we carried the poor fella to his room and put him to bed. then he mumbled a loud 'help' when we left. lol. he went to the toilet to puke and went back to his bed. got him a bucket. cleaned up, said bye to his sister and left. and i was craving for steven's nasi lemak sotong so off we went to steven's.

it was a good 5am in the morning. where we could see the familiar pig truck passing by. people setting up in the market about to start their business for the day and there we were eating and drinking and talking about..vivien hsu, jessica alba, brandon byod, porn and i think i should not say more. hehe.

but later the day was a hell boring day. i woke up too early which was at 12noon. considering that i only slept at 6am. sigh. drank 2 glasses of ice cold coke and watched tv the whole day. really. the whole freakin day. i watched tv since 12 noon until 8pm. seriously. re-runs of amazing race asia on axn and Friends on Christmas day. where is he you asked? church camp in Genting. where is the rest of the bunch? with their family celebrating Christmas duh..i got so tired of watching tv and i fell asleep twice. what a sad, boring day.

so here i am..minutes away before Christmas Day ends blogging about my 'interesting' Christmas Day.

so Merry Christmas everybody. hope you didn't have a sucky Christmas Day like i did.

2006...2007

2006-12-24T14:57:00.000+08:00

it still hasn't register in my head yet. nope. it doesn't feel like its Christmas yet..and new years to me still feels like months away. fact is, tomorrow is Christmas and new years day is only a few days away. Christmas decorations in every mall you walk into..forwarded Christmas wishes sms..i even got an early Christmas call from a long lost cs kaki back from my college days. Christmas and new year. the double confirmation of yes..another year has passed.

we're all gonna be a year older. not that i am afraid of getting old. well, everyone has to grow old year after year. im turning 23 next year. bah. and my bro, cheri and the whole bunch will be turning the big 21 next year. chris, khirun, my bro, wynton, shane, jared, doug, kyle, kevin, jane..oh my god. imagine the amount of presents i need to get for them. considering that hitting the big 21 is a significant event of your life - the legal age, the age where your parents 'set you free', the age where..you are becoming an adult. i foresee that there will be parties and drinkings and lots of fun for the year ahead.

to be honest, i still feel like im 21. it still feels like i just celebrated my 21s birthday this year. it still feels like it was only last week that i was in langkawi spending the bestest days of my life with my wonderful and great friends, tanning and soaking up the sun in sunset beach while listening 'give it away' while sipping heineken. not to mention, back in my 'skinny' days. sigh. those days were awesome and nothing can ever replace that experience. now, that was a good year ago.

this year has been another bumpy road for me. relationship..bah. need not say further. hate to admit this but, some things are just not meant to be. work has not been good for me either. been in and out of jobs. my previous company was not making money, got into crappy mtr. work overload, ugly looking gm and stupid politics. been overly drunk many, many times and not to mention lost. but luckily..someone special appeared and swiped me off my feet. things were going pretty well then onwards. other events are we got to see tiesto, walpo saying fuck the camel remarks on his birthday, pain..drinking sessions, walpo leaves for langkawi, walpo comes back from langkawi, birthday parties, yam cha sessions, bro's debut at maison and many other drinking sessions and parties and group outtings. the thing is there are so many things which happen in a year which i can't simply put everything in here. overall it was a not so bad year afterall.

new year's resolution you asked? double bah. let me recap. this is a part of my post dated back in 19th December 2005.

okay. this is what i plan to do for the next year. well at least if its stated here, i get to view it every now and then and i could get my focus straight again =)

1) save mah money
2) get a new comp
3) get a part time degree course
4) lose weight (muahaha)

yea rite. apparently i never did view the post to remind myself what i need to do for the year ahead. i never did save enough money. i did get a new comp tho. the part time degree course is still kept in the fridge and lastly...lose weight. i hate to touch on this subject. simply because i have not lost any, worse i actually gained. char oh char..

so what do i plan to do next year?

1) save money, as usual
2) lose weight, meaning hit the gym more often
3) get my driving license done
4) get more nice clothes
5) get more nice shoes
6) highlight my hair
7) new bed
8) part-time course

yup. i think that is all. i dont want to assume now if i could get all of those done. nice clothes and nice shoes, believe me i have the most boring sense of style. i figured that i need to get my fashion consultants aka kevin and friends to choose my clothes, which of course i have to agree to also. that would be fun. i bet jane would dress me up in pink. oh no..haha.

looking forward to next year, year 2007. hope the year ahead will be a blast. good more than bad.

cheers to 2005, the year that has made me seen the better and worse of me.

year 2006 here we come!

so long year 2006. be gone with you and welcome year 2007. you better be a good one.

comfort

2006-12-18T14:09:00.000+08:00

No; it's not love,
Though it feels like fire,
Burning right beneath your wrist,
Begging for a razors kiss
To free it from inside
Your skin
By arifun hussain

aimlessly perfect

2006-12-18T11:27:00.000+08:00

past. an event which has already happen and will never repeat itself again. the event or experience which sticks to us. never part with us. live within us. made us who we are today. made us learn most valuable lessons in our lives. made us weak. made us strong. most of all, the past stays.

this seem more than familiar to me. it is like a long lost friend making its way through to welcome your fall at the bitter end. its like a well known presence which you no longer reject but welcome it. the past. i got it shoved right down to my throat when i couldn't swallow anymore. proud that i didn't choke and die? to be honest i don't know what is there to be proud of. happy that i so called survived a massive life turbulence? got crushed so hard and here i am still standing today? big deal. there are still pitiful souls out there who is still experiencing it many years more than i did. sick stupidity but understandable.

nevertheless this stays. its just that whether if it chooses to manifest within this messed up mind and heart of mine. it is clear now to me that this is not about the person you once dwell upon nor the fucked up situation you are in...it is all about the experiencing depression and misery itself. dwelling in the past. its comfortable. people understand you, care about you, sympathize you. they pity your worthless soul. nothing bothers you. at the end of the your fantasy day, it is only you and your hopes and dreams. nothing can change you and what you want it to be. it is you and you alone. you can drag pass many many tired days with that made up dream of yours. you can lie your drenched blood and soul down and let hours pass you by. your choice. your pace. you are numb. dead in the heart. dead in the head. you have no feel, no passion, no drive. you have no answers. you choose your answers. you will fall back time and time again to that state you were once familiar with. this is more than familiar. sometimes you wish and would start all over again.

senseless

2006-12-14T15:32:00.000+08:00

dream
blinded
bliss
pampered
adored
amazed
embraced
accepted
loved
blessed
wrong
reasoned
reality
realized
existence
expected
unexpected
mature
immature
battle
believe
stupidity
equal
bias
disappointed
deceived
naive
molded
ignorant
hypocrite
torn
hurt
pity
patient
numb
lost
blank
hopeless
helpless
wished
hoped
memory
be
end

three nights and no more

2006-12-13T10:03:00.000+08:00

Saturday
- work. bah. 2nd month evaluation with boss
- heavy delicious lunch with bosses and colleagues at Luk Yu Tea House Starhill. huge ass siu mai
- last get together at wynton with everyone
- preparation
- dishwasher cum butcher cum penghiris sayur cum chopping board dropper in the kitchen
- got irritated by someone sitting on me and biting me and wrapping me like a pulut with the blanket
- got disturbed by a huge juggling belly larger than me and my mom's ass combined, juggling in front of me
- watched Havoc. good show. Anne Hathaway's tits

Sunday
- bringing my love back
- stayed up till the end and got rushed to Pudu in less than 10 minutes many thanks to walpo
- board bus at 8.30am and bid farewell to my bodyguards
- listened to my mp3 player throughout the whole trip while trying to get some shut eye - never did
- remembered parts and scenes of Lumut where we first went together to send him off
- reached Lumut at 12.30pm
- report at Pangkor Laut Resort Centre at 12.45pm and was asked to return at 1.45pm
- stoned
- walked around under the hot sun doing window shopping
- returned to centre at 1.45pm. boat was delayed. sigh..patient
- waited
- and waited
- finally boat has arrived
- 30 minutes ride
- finally the much awaited Pangkor Laut Resort
- greeted by my love
- got to see where he has been staying for the past 4 months. speechless
- walked around and enjoyed everything
- headed to Royal Beach Bay Cafe for lunch
- huge and delicious meal. free tapas by the chef, complimentary cocktails from the bar. not to mention worth every penny
- beautiful sea view, lovely company, surpise visit by a peacock
- back to the ferry and bus ride
- so long Pangkor Laut Resort, an experience to remember
- game play on the bus
- couldn't sleep much
- F1 bus driver racing through a storm on the highway with each passenger's live on his hands including mine

Sunday
- 1am. KL. safe.
- walpo reached in super lightning speed
- yam cha
- supposed drinking session but ended up ta kei session tower of defense
- no sleep

Monday
- work. urgh
- stoned
- back from work. massive horrible jam
- dinner with walpo in klfc
- balitong. looks like some nose shit. green and disgusting
- the last drinking session
- beers, stout, wine galore at the poolside for ol' time sake
- laughters, games, drinks
- priceless
- endless talking
- bonding session between my love and my good friend

Tues
- work again
- damn chat stoned
- got driven to work
- endless talking in the car
- got a pukimak from a police
- got lost
- donated RM 3 to klcc just to make a turn back into the same highway
- hilarious
- mamak with beer bottles in hand
- blardy drinkers
- went work late
- damn chat stoned
- damn chat tired
- finally balik time
- heavy dinner, yam cha
- one last hang out at wynton's
- believe it or not, i fell asleep while they do the packing
- the struggle to pack everything into the car, the tv, daisy, clothes, boxes wow
- bid farewell
- finally got to sleep

no expectations, always at heart

sakit..

2006-12-05T19:11:00.000+08:00

i am fine! to be more pacific..i have recovered from honestly i dont really know wats the exact thing even after seeing the doc. muscle pull? i had this unbearable backache in the midst of watching happy feet late sat night. i tahan for like an hour till the movie ends and by the time i got up and walk, i couldnt. i have to literally bend my body forward so that i could walk and feel slightly better. i was looking damn constipated i tell you. and when i sat in the car, it was still painful. thinking that it would go away the next day, i went up to my bed with the pain in my back and went to sleep.

the next day hell no. it was worse. i was like a sick patient, a pregnant lady, a druggie all in one. i was damn stoned. stoned from the tiredness as i havent slept for 2 freaking nites. i felt like i was pregnant cause i cant walk properly. cant stand for long. cant sit for long. cant walk for long. couldnt eat much. felt like vomiting, felt like shitting. bah. everything. all i did the whole day was lying down. even getting up from the sofa was hell. walking up the stairs was worse. for some funny reasons, i couldn't lift my right leg. just as my feet was about 10cm off the floor my right waist muscle aches terribly. really felt like i was pregnant with a huge stone in my stomach and i hated every moment of it. i was frustrated to the bone i tell you. but still i was hoping for it to go away.

so the next day was a working day. thank god i could walk better but theres still this slight pain on my back and waist. went to work and back and it was ok until night time came. the rest were making fun of me saying i was preggie and my fetus went kaput sideways therefore my waist is aching. hah. as stubborn as a mule i can be, i was still hoping for it to be gone. went out for dinner, yam cha and i couldnt take it anymore. the pain has shifted from my back to my waist and then to my stomach. after being told and advice by some 'considerate and caring friends of mine' i finally went to see the doctor. so off we went the whole gin-bang to the 24 hours clinic at 1am. i went in, describe what was wrong. the doc ketuk-ketuk my stomach, checked if i had fever n stuff like that. he then said it was wind in my stomach but i still couldnt understand the muscle pain. so he gave me the medicine and off i went.

we sat for a while at klasik hijau with my bro, wynton, shane, kev n doug we all decided to go home. so whn i reached home, my mom saw tht i look terrible. just as she was about to complain about us not remembering her birthday she got distracted by my sick looking face as i walked up the stairs.

mom: jou mat see ar nei (wat happen to you?)
me: nah la..back pain
mom: back pain?
me: ya see the doctor already
mom: what back pain?
me: back pain la..

walked down the stairs then into the living room

me: donno la..my back very pain la. my waist here pain. i cannot lift my right leg up also (while trying very hard to lift my leg)
mom: eh you cannot lift your leg up tht means appendicitis you know. must go operation one you know. you can squat down anot

honestly i was thinking what the hell can squat anot..my muscle damn pain somemore want to squat kah..

me: donno la..(damn tulan)
mom: try and see la. if u squat then cannot stand up

so i squat and thank god i could stand up but i just cant lift my right leg.

mom: where pain? (while pressing against my stomach)
me: here la..here also. help me rub my back and waist la
mom: here ar? where? here ar? (while pressing my back and waist)
me: no..here la..
mom: u lau tou isit (strained muscle)
me: donno la..
mom: u go the gym anot
me: noo.. -_-

so i got my back and waist rubbed. felt ok for a while but the pain was still there. so i crawled all the way up to my room with the stench of the chinese medicine rub.

but today whn i woke up - ta dah!!

i could walk up and down the stairs fast. boy im a happy person. thnx guys =) now i pray the pain will be gone for good.

if it still comes back..i am doomed

a state of trance

2006-12-01T06:41:00.000+08:00

when you're in that state

no one understands the feeling that you feel

the heart pumping bass bursting through your heart

the hair raising pitches piercing through your ears

the blood rush excitement rushing through your veins

the unspoken emotions which touches your soul

the satisfaction when it all hits an end

no one else...

but only you

ten more..

2006-11-28T12:07:00.000+08:00

u know..i really shouldn't be doing this. blogging in the middle of completing a task from boss but hey..im just me :P i need a break. a short one. promise! and it just occurred to me that I have not been blogging for almost two weeks. time to jot my words of wisdom..not. nothing much has happened really. didn't get to see armin van buuren in zouk. was pretty dissapointed, had a good farewell dinner for a friend..oh wait. this one is funny. last thursday, my love told me that he will be goin online at night, which he usually doesnt but he said that he will be working on the afternoon shift the next day. and so i was excited. ive been wanting to talk to him online as we havent been for a very long time due to his morning shifts.

and so..he said he would be online by 10pm. i got back home. took my bath, had my dinner, washed my clothes..watched some tv and went straight to the comp at 9pm. then i checked my mails, friendster..figured that i couldn't wait to see him online i called him instead but i got no reply. i called his phone again and no reply again. so i called and called a few more times and sigh. all i could think of is probably he couldn't hear it on the boat or something. so one hour passed. two hours passed. why hasn't he call me back or even msg me? i was a little dissapointed but i still sat in front of the comp, checked all the mails i needed to check. browse through a number of friend's pictures to keep me occupied in friendster and then i played some word games in yahoo. sad. my brother went upstairs to my room to ta kei. i figured, hell at least he has something to do..better then me rite. i figured that he fell asleep kut...too tired from working. sigh so i continued my games while all of these thoughts were running through my head.

suddenly someone opened the door. sounded like how my grandmother would come busting through while she does her mopping and nagging at the same time. i was like who the hell..i turned over, thinking it was my brother but wasn't he upstairs playing games as i could still hear his 'tak tak tak' or my mom asking me if i wanted to eat at freaking 11.30pm..for that split second i really didn't see it coming and yes he surprised me yet again. guess who...

'wah..the face so garang. cannot get her lning..'
'what are you doing here?? oh my god..i am still sitting here in front of the comp bodoh-bodoh waiting for you to go online u know'
we both laughed so hard..
'really u know..and i thought you were goin to go online..i somemore sitting here..waiting for you..but you're actually here! haih bodohnye..'
'silly babe..where got bodoh..the things that you do for me were never 'bodoh'
=)

unfortunately we didnt get to spend much time as i was working from morning and only be back by night. padahal he went out with my bro, kino n another friend and i was working. by night time he was occupied till midnight so..sigh.

but anyway i am really looking forward to his return. four months really felt like eternity..some days were particularly hard to pass by..some days were okay but not a day passes by without thinking of him. oh well, 10 more days..ten more.

ampeetree

2006-11-15T22:43:00.000+08:00

yay yay i got new mp3 player. finally. gone were the days where i stare blankly and aimlessly in the lrt or bus for a good hour on the way back stucked in a jam. most of the time i fall asleep in the bus..sometimes i stare and look at people for my amusement. with all the people jammed packed and the bus moving ever so slowly i have no other form of entertainment. so i have songs playing in my head. that sad. and most of em are only half way as i cant remember every single damn detail of the song. short memory span. so on good days, i have good songs playing in my head. on bad days..i get 'why is my head playing this stupid song repeatedly' songs. sigh..

anyway, yay! ive got a mp3 player, 1 GB capacity and of course, its white and most importantly..its a pressie from me love =) thank you lning. nothing beats the joy of listening to your favourite tracks in the morning as your day starts. i dont know bout you guys but im pretty contented with my dub dub dub and my fingers tapping non-stop to the beat. damn on la. i get stares for doing that sometimes. haha. well, my list of songs make my journey less torturing.

now im re-arranging my selection of songs into my mp3 player. ive got alternative, chillout, jazz, instrumental, trance, hard beat trance, a few good techno..if only i could get the cd from doug. tesla. good instrumental local band. best ive ever heard.

i love my mp3 player. my life saver. my companion. now i hope the batteries dont die on me.

the weekends

2006-11-05T14:20:00.000+08:00

aah...the weekend. sundays in particular. i still need to work on alternate saturdays. tho i don't really call it work. i just need to be in the office for few hours, browse through the net for a whole week's of newspaper clipping and post it back to my boss and the rest, have a light breakfast, update some files n im done.

but anyway..ahh..sundays. the one and only day of the week where i get to sleep past 9am. i am surprised that i actually got up at 12 noon. whatever happen to the days where i can sleep till 3pm? but i guess thats over sleeping. ive got all the rest i need in 8 hours. one more surprising thing is...ive got nothing particular to blog about. huh? yea i heard ya. i guess throughout my blogging history, this would be my second if not only third time noting that i have nothing to blog about.

well this is what work does to you. leaves you pretty lifeless. lol. to work and back from work. i need a mp3 player man. im gettin bored of travelling to the heart of kuala lumpur in the midst of equally relunctant workforce of the nation who travels to work via public transport. did i mention i really need a mp3 player?

ok i think its time for me to play okami.

deeparaya

2006-10-25T23:47:00.000+08:00

deepavali and raya has come and passed. and so did my five day holidays. thinkin of the fact that tomorrow i need to drag myself to work is dreadful. thinkin of the fact that my minyang is goin to be away again is dreadful. thinkin of the weight that i have gained is even more dreadful. haha. i had a very good holiday. i manage to get a whole lot of sleeeep. something which i can't get enough during working days. now i have to set my biological clock back to workmode. gah.

some main highlights during the holidays - wynton is back from langkawi. i will seriously kill anyone who doesnt know that the fatso destructo walpo soh lian hoe zakaria bin walrus is back from langkawi. we had a massssive drinking session in his house. just like the ol' days. pot-luck, guitar sing-a-long session, bullshit session, the 'i laughing because you laughing' session..and of course, the 'tsunami' sleeping sessions. aparently i am not one of the 'last ones standing' anymore because i was too tired to layan anymore and ended up cluddling then sleeping beside my minyang. but this time it has become more interesting..the shotgun (bluuuurggh) a certain ju-onn in the toilet appeared only with his underwear wet from his head to toe but wanting to 'clear his mess' lol. shot. it is fun and nice to see my minyang 'blend' in so well with the rest and not to mention with wynton. i guess he has found his match. beer kakis who could never get drunk on beer.

the next is the family dinner at my aunt's lovely huge house at tropicana. its my minyang's first time meeting the rest of my family and the rest of my cousins. turned out to be good =) we ended up chilling in shaun's room as usual to smoke and watch tv and of course make fun of each other. complaining about our weight and height as always. later that night, we've decided to watch The Grudge 2. sigh..let me tell you that the movie was really testing my patience. shaun broke the popcorn box with a whole load of popcorn inside cause he was frightened and terkepit the whole damn box in between his tighs. cheri was dumbfounded even when the credits was already rolling. she was still staring at the screen. nat was laughing at all the time at the movie and at people screaming. and i cuddling comfortably with my minyang. he nearly fell asleep. lol. well great minds think alike eh. we both agreed that the show sucked. we then head to centre point for mamak and talked about our childhood stories. how shaun would not want to wear his clothes and only his underwear and walked around in the market..how cheri made her hamster swim and froze him to death..i tell you..we laughed and laughed like there was no tomorrow. i guess we scared my minyang. hehe.

last but not least - my bro's debut at maison! after taking lessons and learning to spin for almost a year, he has finally spin in a club. he was invited to spin for a warm up session in maison for the early session. tho there was no other crowds but only us, i still think that it was a good exposure for him. being in a real club, using different turntables in a different environment, not the in the comfort of score. for him, he wasnt prepared as he has not been practicing for quite a while because of his exams. got a call from vic asking him to play at maison by willy the kid. we arrived at 8.45. really early to be in a club. the whole heritage row was closed for raya. not a single soul was walking on the streets. unlike the usual busy nights where cars will be parked everywhere. i guess that is why they see that is a good opportunity for my bro to try out at maison. he did good =) some flaws here and there but apart from that it was good. tho i didnt get to listen to gouryella cause apparently some other dj took it but then played the wrong side later part of the night, bah. but its ok..at least i got to listen to another way which is also one of my favs played by my bro. mark was standing right in the middle of the dance floor looking back up at my bro spinning with his arms wrapped and a smile on his face. bet he was feeling proud himself. after a good hour. my bro's stress has ended and i bet he was happy at what he did. we all stayed through the whole night enjoying hardbeat trance till the last born slippy song.

now i am sitting here in front of computer..counting the hours till i need to get up for work tomorrow. sigh. my minyang is on the way back to pangkor. i bet he is sleeping in the bus. feels like he is still lazing around, playing the ps..im missing him so much already. time flies when you're having fun eh.

oh well..back to work. just hope that i wont be late tomorrow. haha.

to the moon and back

2006-10-19T11:27:00.000+08:00

well as what they always say - its not easy to give up a bad habit. it simply won't go easily. here i am blogging from my new office. my first post from my new office. since my bosses are away for ten days..u know what that means. haha. all hell break lose! ive got sufficient work to do but as the old habit kicks in..yes you've guessed it right - procastination..hhmm..dang ive got to start that work. but anyway, no harm to take a rest right.

latest outing was jane's birthday at oasis. i have witness jane downing a Flaming Lamborghini. lol yea..lottery anyone? but it was a good get together session laughing session. Happy Birthday Jane.

by the way our good friend, wynton is back from langkawi. finally. welcome back kotek. it is amazing how he has turned so so brown..we're talking like dark chocolate brown. wait thats too nice. we're talking about shit brown. haha. shot. he is definately rounder both head and stomach. he still laughs the same. he still burps the same and yes of course he still loves his drinks. well drinking days are never the same without walpo. since he's been gone, the job of getting people drunk has been taken over by my one and only min yang lol. at least the 'tradition' is still going on. sitting by the poolside drinking has definately brought back many memories..mostly sweet than bitter. tears and laughters. and it is time like these when we can't deny but only to admit that yes..time flies. but well, its good to have walpo back. just like the ol'days and its good to know that there was progress along the way and that the time and effort was not wasted particularly for him. 'next time whoever's wedding, music all i kau tim' - now that its blogged here, you cant run. haha..

one more very very important thing. my min yang is coming back! he will be arriving tomorrow night and will be staying for a good couple of days. can't wait to see him. its been a month since ive last seen him and that was during kev's birthday. i am excited but at the same time nervous. nervous? gah. i swear i can hear his voice in my head saying 'wtf? nervous? why babe?' well i guess i am nervous..to find if there is any changes between us. emotionally. if there is, what are we to do? the distance is taking a toll on us in a way or two..more or less. and it is definately not good. i admit that i fear losing what we have. what we are so comfortable being in. i dread the day he left for pangkor but hes got to do what hes got to do. being inconsiderate and being all me isn't going to help the relationship and isn't going to help him and his work towards his career. as much as he hates being there we both understand that is has to be done..and as much as he is already hating being there the least i could do is support, love and understand his situation. failed sometimes..but most of the time i could say this with a little hidden pride in me that i was there for him..

i guess we human beings need assurance. some form of security be it mentally, emotionally, psyhically and when your form of assurance is neither providing you the assurance as it is suppose to or used to, we tend to question. we tend to doubt. we tend to loose faith. but only some choose to hold on to what they had, taking it with them to pull through days of differences. ive said this before and i'll say it again - test of faith. makes me wonder how strong and true am i in this really..or even, how strong and true he really is. for that matter, both of us.

whatever it is, he is coming back tomorrow night and i have major plans for him. and no its not the bedroom lambada all night long mind you =P hes definately gaining a pound or two in five days. truth is..i am happy to be able to see him. and no ling..dont tell me i lebih lol.

where you are

2006-10-08T14:20:00.000+08:00

i had a bad dream. i dreamt that i was in a house for some occasion and i was sitting alone but at the corner of my eye, my min yang was actually there sitting alone too. i was waiting for him to come over as he saw me but he didnt. thn i could hear his conversation as he was talkin to someone one and the conversation was about me. i remember him saying that 'things are not the same anymore. i dont feel the same towards the relationship and towards her'. after that he came over, kissed my head and left. the look upon his face was...painful. as if he couldnt be happier to quickly get the load off his shoulders. i woke up breathing heavily and every moment felt so real..i felt hurt.

i have come to a conclusion that..i simply cant be hurt anymore. i cant afford it. why is it that we, females tend to pour in all of our emotions and feelings once we've found our comfort zone. once we've found that one person we can rely on be it for love, care, happiness, support..we give it all with no questions asked. perhaps not all women are like that but i think i am one. and the thing is..it increases with time. the more longer im in the relationship, the more i feel, care and love. i dont understand how people can 'hold back' their feelings for a person so that in the end when the relationship doesn't work out, they wont get hurt that much. i think that is total bullshit. when you love someone, there wouldn't be that thought asking you to hold back. i know i wouldn't. perhaps they don't love that person after all..but i know i do. very much.

i know that this relationship means alot to me. more than ive ever imagined. ive never been this happy being with someone. a relationship that i dont need to hide and pretend to be someone who i am not. i dont need to be the useless and hopeless person whom i used to be. i dont need to be helpless. before, ive adapted and changed till i dont know how to handle myself and the relationship but i dont need to now. i dont need to change. i am still who i am today. we talk and not diss. we support and not dominate. we love and not hate.

but i feel like shit. and it doesn't help at all knowing that its my love's birthday tomorrow and i am stuck here in kl, 400 kilometres away from my love. i want to see him so badly. i want to be there for his birthday. i want to surprise him. i want to..sigh.

i wanna wake up where you are..

first encounter

2006-10-04T23:48:00.000+08:00

so far work is fine. yes..fine =) my tasks so far are pretty easy..basically getting information on a certain project, collecting and browsing for news and article about businesses in malaysia. i have a nice working space. a spacious one this time. a nice toilet to use and a pretty much just like a kitchen pantry complete with a fridge, microwave, all sorts of plates, bowls and other utensils. did i mention the pantry has a nice view? cool eh.

anyway i attended my very first meeting today..with a Datuk. a mat salleh Datuk. who? what Datuk? beats me..i have no idea. no idea at all. i didnt even know it was a she at first. silly me i thought it was a he according to the email annoucement sent by my colleague. my colleague was busy getting the meeting room ready while i was busy completing my work. not long after she arrived with her fellow consultant. mat sallehs can get very excited when they meet people. there is a happy 'good to see you' vibe going on in the meeting room. my lady boss then came to my desks and ask me to join the meeting. i was caught by surprise as i didnt expect to be joining them as it wasn't stated in the email annoucement. i then quickly grab my pencil and notebook and entered the meeting room. everyone was seated at their seats around the long wooden table. i went stupid for a while but quickly regained my intelligence when my lady boss introduced me to them. i shooke their hand and she said 'ah..i see that you have a pure chinese here. good..its about time' wonder whats that suppose to mean but it was directed to my other boss.

i have to admit that this is the most interesting meeting which i have ever attended in my life and ive got a feeling that there will be more meetings like these in days to come. there i was, sitting right at the end of the table trying to take down notes as when i can. believe me, for the very first time i find it hard. as the conversation commenced, i was awed and lost at the same time. it isnt easy to comprehend their accents and their flair of english..especially the british and american. but i was even more lost as they deliberating on malaysian political issues and their influences on the business and economic growth in malaysia particularly in the smes and businesses abroad. believe me..i was really lost.

i am actually amazed but yet ashamed at the same time. there i was sitting together with an american, a british, an indonesian, a singaporean and lastly a british in her 70s who has been living in malaysia for more than 50 years, whom all of them talked passionately about the aspects of malaysian politics, malaysian government bodies, malaysian business growth, trademissions with foreign countries and believe me many more which i dont understand. i sat there and it hit me that listening to them, i felt as if they were malaysians and not foreigners at all. i on the other hand, being the only pure malaysian in the room, i didnt know anything about my own country and its whereabouts at all. sigh..

after the long 2 hour meeting, i talked to my boss and did some research. Datuk, a british in her 70s is a Datuk Dr. who has been living in malaysia for 50 years and a known business and economic analyst, an active fellow of a number of Malaysian Institutes particularly in management and pr, former president and former vice presidents of associations and she holds many current positions in numerous associations. she is impressive. listening to someone who is as old as my grandmother talking about how cycle & carriage came about, how malaysian government is the obstacle for smes instead of their saviour, her encounters and relationships with ministers and what not the pm. being there for 2 hours is like attending a lecture..a valuable lecture jam packed with information which one will never be able to attend in any colleges.

i will have quite a challenge to summarize the meeting minutes to be presented to my boss..but she was kind enough to go through and explain to me some terms which i didnt understand.

hhmm..i forsee many more challenges to come. guess i have to chew on it. lol

finally..

2006-10-02T23:50:00.000+08:00

finally the day has arrived. i went to work! this time freakin early in the morning. well, maybe its a normal time for many to get up get their asses to work but to me waking up at 6.30am to get ready is something which i have not done for a very very long time. 6.30am? ha. i dont remember waking up that early even for school but i certainly do not want to be late for my first day of work..and those who know me well enough would know that punctuality is definately not in my dictionary. lol.

so yea, in order to wake up early i need to sleep early. right. early. its been donkey years since ive slept at 12 or even 1am. got so used to sleeping at at least 5am in the morning and that really does not help the situation of me sleeping early. gah. believe it or not i tried to get a shut eye at 2am and i ended up tossing and turning and my mind wandered of way far on what will i be doing today, how will my colleagues be, how will my journey be on the way to work, should i do this..should i do that? and in the end, i got out of bed at 4am and end up channel surfing, watched faking it and oprah on tele till freakin 6am. i just couldnt sleep. really.

so whn the clock strikes 6.30am, i got up from the sofa to get ready. changed, put on my make up, grabbed my bag..make sure i have everything i needed and left the house. i was expecting a bad jam actually but to my surprise there wasn't any jam at all. i got the bus at 7 something but the bus was pretty packed. i panicked for a while as i couldn't find my nokia phone. for a second i thought that someone might have taken it out from my bag when it was jam packed in the bus. turns out that ive actually left them at home along with my ciggarettes. lol. silly me. in less than 30 minutes i boarded off at central market, got on to the lrt at pasar seni to klcc and in less thn 15 minutes i am already there. i as i walked pass amongst the swarm of people who are also getting their asses off to work i thought to myself..well, well..i really have not experienced this in a very long time. in fact ive never been in town that early before during rush hour. lol. got to get used to it..

turns out ive got pretty much time to spare i took a detour to the bank then back to the underground passage to avenue K. got out of avenue K and continued walking all the way to my office passing by public bank, ambank and there i see it. megan avenue II. yup. that is where my office is. now i really regretted leaving my ciggarettes at home. i waited downstairs for a good 15 minutes till one of the girls showed up. she actually recognized me from my first interview. so we went upstairs, opened the office and then she showed me where i was sitting. work officially starts at 9.30am. altho its actually 9am, its to compensate the hours when in future if we need to work extra hours. good isn't it. we have workstations which will be transformed to cubicles later on. good thing that i grabbed the sun from the lrt station. i started reading the papers as the girl talked on the phone. typical isnt it. a quick gossip or chat before the bosses come. at about 9am, another girl came in. she is a very bubly and cheerful lady. we introduced ourselves. her name is zaleha. the other is ainul. ainul has this indonesian accent whn she speaks but shes actually malaysian. wonder why.

so anyway, at about 9.30 my boss arrived with a new computer. set up the computer, shifted a few thing and yea, ive got my own workspace. we had a briefing in the meeting room..talking about ourselves, the nature of the company, who ive yet to meet. turns out that i am indeed the only chinese in the company. the rest are malays, malay mix indian, indonesian mix chinese, american and british. turns out that i could swear with my bro's infamous 'ham ka chan!'

and the next thing we know its already 1.30pm. my boss was kind enough to bring me downstairs to show me where the food is. lol. very important isn't it. show me the food. its a food court..a small one actually. not a fancy one but theres chinese, malay, thai, indian food..so i guess i'll be able to survive there. if not i could opt to eat in one of the many cafes there. yet to discover. we had lunch together back in the pantry and we talked while overlooking the nice view we have from the pantry. we had a nice chat about ourselves and so on.

so after briefing and makan, yes i have work to do. and yes i was dead sleepy. nearly dozed off like a million times n i hope that no one saw me lol. things are more organized here. tasks lists, mind mapping but im not quite sure if its necessary for me tho but no harm giving it a try if it could make me work better. i have to start off with newspaper clippings about businesses, entrepreneurship, getting advertisement rates to name a few and before i knew it. it is already 6pm. time to go home.

walked all the way back to avenue K, took the lrt and then the bus back home. it took me about one hour to reach home. which is still to my surprise as i expected that it will take me longer to reach home during rush hour in the evening. by the time i got home, i was dead tired. my feet hurts. could really do with a nice feet massage from the best =P. i actually dozed off after dinner while watching tv. the thing is i think ive slept for more than 2 hours. bummer. and here i am blogging and im actually worried if i could even sleep later. gah.

well i wonder whats gonna happen tomorrow..i will be meeting the other boss and 2 more other colleagues whom i havent met today. guess thats gonna be something to look forward to. got to reschedule my time too. work starts at 9.30pm so i dont need to wake up that early after all.

ah work.

sad isn't it

2006-09-30T01:48:00.000+08:00

damn chat sien. sorry for the language but yea i am really really bored. i believe ive said this many times but yeah i am bored. sigh. ive slept all ive wanted, watched tv all ive wanted, online, played games, yam cha..and im freakin moodless. believe it or not this is my very first time getting moodless because i am simply too bored. i wonder how people can bum around and not find a job for so so many months. i am suffering here already.

ive been watching travel and living channel most of the time. takes my mind off my boredom. well, i know i might never go to places like india, istanbul, china and many other more places and that is why we have channels like travel and living. informative, takes your mind on a short trip journey to see whats special about that place and what to look for when you're there. oh and did i mention cook shows? wonder why we could never get food presentation like that in malaysia. probably only in fine dining restaurants but still nothing compared to the modern and innovative mat salleh chefs.

and then my crying marathon..because of movies that is. watched 'if only'. a really touching movie. about a loving couple, who the girlfriend died in a car accident. obviously the poor lad is devastated, accepted her death in denial..went to bed and the next thing he knew, he was living the same day again. so the story went on, everything is happenin again but with a different twist..hoping to avoid all he can so that she wouldn't die..but in the end they both got involved in the accident. the scene was exactly the same..only that this time, it was actually the boyfriend's last day and it wasn't the girlfriend's last day apparently. he died and she lived on. very sad..and yes i cried.

and as if it wasnt enough, i watched 'the object of my affection' featuring jennifer aniston. a complicated story, jennifer who is pregnant lived with her best friend who is gay, the baby's father proposed marriage but she didnt love him. she loved her best friend instead but he is still gay and is meeting other partners. which eventually she realized that she has to move on and doesn't need to be with him but could still maintain a wonderful friendship with him..complicated. well yes that made me cry too..for some reasons.

and lastly, 'never been kissed'. this is a funny one. drew barrymoore, under cover reporter for her newspaper company. adapting to the lives of simple minded teenagers who only craves and care for popularity, fun and nothing more. well if you asked me why i cried to this one..honestly i cant remember. oh wait. i do remember. the ending part where she waits for him to arrive at the baseball game to accept her appology. that is so sweet. drew barrymoore is talented..

anyway..yea actually the reason why im bloggin all of this is of course..i am bored. wonder why bother teling whoever is reading bout movies which they probably have watched anyway.

well..sad movies always make you cry. just like an old song suggests.

kylie baba

2006-09-27T15:39:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday Kyle!

This is huge, tall friend of mine who loves to sing and joke, who has been there for me, comforted me, says the most funny things sometimes and he can shuffle weh..not many eurasians can do that i tell you. How many eurasians you know shuffles all the way in langkawi in the sand? haha..

well yesterday nite was an impromptu 'celebration' for kyle at score. 'you can never get wan as wan as i can get you know!' imagine a way high spinning mark saying those words. unbelievable funny la. 'hou lan wan ahh...' yea you're damn right mark.

ive got to listen to my bro spin with his new technique. klye did some scratching too on snoop dogg's next episode and my band. weird choice. chris got to pecut with mark's evo all the way to pandan indah. awesomeness la.

well the session ended with a roti bakar with telur tengah masak and a free dunhill lights besar. =)

and again, happy birthday kyle!

smelliest of all..

2006-09-25T00:23:00.000+08:00

rummi session aka 'kap liu' (needing to pee badly) at my room till wee hours in the morning, kev's birthday celebration at ruums, my new job starting next month and lastly, my minyang staying more than he actually can. i am a very very happy person.

i bet most of us had loads of fun. yes, the much awaited, anticipated kevin kok's birthday at ruums had finally arrived. good hard bass pumping throught six feet speakers, and yes i saw tht smile on my min yang's face. dragging everyone he can to 'appreciate' the bass pumping. feng ah feng ah. most of us were there. chuen, chris, ryan, doug, jane, me bro, yin, kev, kev's cousin n her bf, cheri, gerard, jared, kyle, shaun..oh no i mean shane hehe..and my min yang and i =) three bottles of liqour, good friends, good music, good dance. and what a way to celebrate, dancing on the podium with my fav cousin of all time, cheri being surrounded by ugly looking half drunk guys ranging from fat to skinny doing the choo-choo round the podium. wtf. i know.

its been a long time since everyone in the gang was in a club to have fun and for once, no problems occured..except for kev's not being able to 'witness' all that happened :P theres always next year kev haha. glad that kyle, jared, and shane made it later. jared really got me..ha. wheres my min yang? 'oh he went to dance with another girl la in the dance floor' ha yea..i was shocked but then at the corner of my eye popped out my minyang laughing his ass off 'babe..hi!' waving his hands. mahai.

i dont know why but it the fun was pretty short-lived. time really flies when we're having fun. only wished walpo was here to see it all happen. well, kev..Happy Birthday again. you've been a good friend to me and thank you for being there for me when i needed somone and when i dont want to :P and i believe you've been a good friend to many of us too. the koh and the kok wei..cheers!

fingers crossed

2006-09-16T01:13:00.000+08:00

as i arrived for my second interview, i was greeted by a rather short and stout white man. his hair was almost white throughout his head and his so was his beard. his face was pinkish as if he was been under the hot sun. he was looking rather comfortable with his collar shirt, pants and socks to walk around with and no shoes. he opened the glass door and greeted me with slight heavy accent 'hello! we will get back to you shortly. please do have a seat'

and so i sat on the chair, the same leather seat which i sat on the very first time i was there for my first interview. he then walked back into the meeting room, push the frosted sliding glass doors with huge silver handles to close them. i could still hear them conversing even with the doors shuts. i couldn't help but to listen intensely and of course at the same time i was admiring their accents while they were talking. i love accents. doesnt hurt to listen to accents after such a long lifetime of malaysian english. i thought to myself 'these are the people i could be working with in days to come'.

so as i sat and waited minutes after minutes, i started to get a little bit nervous as i did not know what to expect. i am prepared but one could never be totally prepared for anything. i have never ever had a formal and serious conversation with a mat salleh. the only conversation i had with mat sallehs are online, where they are thousands of kilometres across the world. this time im meeting one face to face to talk about a serious matter. my employment. which of course will determine both my future and the company's.

so after waiting for a good half and hour, the man who greeted me at the door walked out of the meeting room and i was called in. 'well, this it is' i figured. i walked into the meeting room with my almost perfect smile. my interviewer got up from his seat to shake my hand and appologized for keeping me waiting. he is rather old, with white-greyish hair as well. we sat down on our seats and the interview begun.

we talked for about more than an hour. he talked mostly about the nature of the company, asked what my goals are, how can i contribute to the company, in what areas i am interested in..and many more and of course not forgetting questions which i never thought i could answer but i did. the 'why should we hire you?' question and plenty more. ah yes..i gave my all, tried my very best, say what i needed to say and he was satisfied. in fact, he expressed his gratitude. so i guess its a good thing =) he is a very nice and humble man. initially i was nervous but towards the end i was feeling more comfortable talking and listening to him.

but i shouldn't be all too happy yet. they have actually intended to not hire anymore until next year but my first interviewer was interested in my resume that she would like to explore more on how we could work together. and so if all goes well, i should be expecting an offer letter from them by next week. fingers crossed.

i am really looking forward to start off new. affiliated with a major company in the US, a business consulting organization colaborating with malaysian government bodies in supportive of SMEs growth. i have yet to understand the full scope of their services but i am eager to learn and experience working with mat sallehs. i am eager to know how they manage their organization as i believe that they have a different mindset from the typical businessmen here in malaysia and getting to understand how they are able to penetrate the malaysian market and most importantly having the support from malaysian government bodies.

i guess i will be doing the usual tasks but nonetheless more challenging ones this time. administration support to meeting key personnels from government bodies to organizing seminars and workshops, out-sourcing for our clients based on their business needs and so much more. if i fail to get the job, i would be pretty dissapointed..but having the conversation with him was indeed a valuable one =)

with the will and passion to learn..you can pretty much do anything

well said indeed.

existance

2006-09-12T03:37:00.000+08:00

time 3.37am

after tossing and turning on my bed for a good half an hour i find myself sitting in front of my comp again with the need to blog. blog about what you asked? blog about life. blog about friends. blog about losing weight. blog about why my special someone is so far away. how typical. but i have no idea. i can't sleep and i can't think straight for some reasons. guess its one of those days when your brain decides to take a ride and drive you nuts. perhaps its one of those 'what is life' moment.

what i am feeling now is the utmost perfect example and proof that ignorance is indeed not a bliss. ive come to realize that time and time i have been too spontaneous. be it work, friends and even relationships. i evolve and adapt to the environment, to people i am with too often that i actually lose my sense of assertiveness as most of the time i didnt care. it didn't cross my mind that it would even effect me in any way. so i thought. so when one of these elements which makes up your world which you have comfortably evolved around is gone or changed, you are pretty much lost. i too felt lost once and still am now.

its the feeling of starting from scratch. makes you feel pretty much worthless sometimes. makes you feel why do you even exists in this world. makes you think about how you have become the person you are today and what will you become of the next day. its a routine for every single normal and typical human being. live, work, play and die. sad but true isnt it. day to day we conform to social norms which i wouldnt and in fact tired of pondering upon. but well, thats the way life is for any other 100,000 thousands and even more normal human being across the world. we seek to find the closest to perfect job which could pay off our bills, car, house, expenses and our retiring funds. we seek to climb that hierarchy ladder of society just to reach somewhere.

we associate with people in our lives. there are those who come in and out of your life. there are those who you will adore, love, hate and ignore. and of course there are those who bring the best and worst out of you. friends, family and loved ones and in the end, it is you who choose who you want to be with and not. there is a deciding factor somewhere in between. changes. for the better or worse. people change, if not the environment which they live in. what might seem better today may not be the next day. i find it pretty ironic how we human beings can be defeated and celebrated, deceived and trust, hurt and loved by our own kind.

i aint a very clever person when it comes to handling my life but i figured its about darn time i think about what my next step in life will be. i figured if i can't choose what has been changed and will change, i might as well choose to focus and rely on myself. ive got no other options. do i?

ah well, life.

stupidity

2006-09-04T20:54:00.000+08:00

it makes perfect sense doesn't it. someone who isn't giving it up. someone who is left with pretty painted pictures of hopes and dreams. someone who is wanting that special miracle to happen. someone who is still waiting. aimlessly. happened to me before. i truely understand how it feels but that doesn't mean i can stand it.

having these thoughts and having these feelings..i really don't understand. i dont understand why am i in the middle of this. i am furious to a certain extend. is this the chance where i can finally brag about how i finally admit my stupidity and moved on with my life whether i like it or not? i have no choice. whats the word. pity. should i even feel pity? should i even care for someone that is so completely blind and not to mention stupid. so sue me.

this is what you get when you choose to ignore things. ignorance is a bliss - not. its fustrating. been there done that and now looking at things which is happening now, sad to say we're only sweeping it under the covers and our dear princess is still waiting way up high there just to know that her prince charming is long gone and perhaps only then she'll plummet to her death. oh wait. he'll come back to drop pretty flowers once in a while. there you go. she'll wait ten more fucking years. can't blame her can you? she got the pretty packaged dream delivered straight to her doorstep.

some things are better told. some things are better felt pierced straight to the heart. if it doesn't work, shove it deeper till it bleeds.

nah save the trouble, paint a pretty picture instead.

makes me sick to my stomach. stupidity. both.

gone so soon

2006-09-03T14:43:00.000+08:00

i heard a knock on the door. wrapped in my towel with mixed feelings and confusion, i slowly opened the door and guess who. there he was right infront of me laughing his ass off. mahai. i was shocked! but at the same time i find it funny and unbelievable. all i could do is hit him and laugh. like kids la. we laughed and aughed and finally hugged tight. he surprised me this time, saying that he may not make it back on time as a fellow colleague got injured and his manager will need him to stay for merdeka. and the best thing is, he has already planned it all with my brother and kev. ha.nice one. felt like a dream for a split second. i sat down, still wrapped in my towel, looking at him here, not back in pangkor, holding his hand. can't believe my eyes.

but time flies when we're having fun. i bet he got to yam cha all he wanted, got to eat mcd, pizza and all the good food here as there isn't back in pangkor where is he staying. got to ta kei till wee hours in the morning. got to jalan jalan and bought a camera in the midst of merdeka celebration in sg. wang. and last but not least, the bbq session. the most hilarious bbq session ive ever been to. its not like anyone got drunk. my poor black label bottle is still half full. imagine eating tons of taiwan balls, sausages and downing 7-8 cups of carbonated drinks. imagine forcefully chewing down burnt sausages while drinking carbonated drink and at the same time laughing so hard that my stomach hurts and i need to stand. bear in mind we had manhattan fish market for dinner. whoa. i have never felt so full before in my life. makan? urgh..i'ld think twice.

now hes back in pangkor. sigh. it will be a month's time till hes back again.

boredom

2006-08-23T18:28:00.000+08:00

it is amazing what you can do when you have all the free time in the world. you can do nothing. seriously nothing. ive watched tele all i wanted, online and surfed the net all i wanted..now ive just got to get my ass to the gym and work out. the weather has been miserable and bad. my head has been hurting and pounding for the past two days and did i mentioned that ive been sleeping and sleeping and sleeping so that the pounding and hurting would go away?

sigh.

i need a facial badly.
i need a full body massage.
i need to swim.
i need to work out.
i need to clean my room.
i need more money.
i need to smoke less.
i need cigarettes.
i need to laugh.
i need to cry.
i need to sneeze.
i need to see my min yang.
i need hugs and kisses.
i need cuddle.
i need much more than that.

oh well..the art of doing nothing..

rock on

2006-08-21T17:18:00.000+08:00

the weekend. to tell you the truth i actually lost track of what day is it. didnt notice that it was actually friday or saturday or sunday or monday..doesnt seem like anyday to me cause everyday is a 'same' day hahaha. the joy of being carefree and stressfree from work. for the time being that is. the mouliu-ness will catch up pretty soon. i cant stand doing nothing for long.

anyways the weekend was a good one. i got to see my brother 'perform' at teck onn's house. its his girlfriend's birthday and he got my bro to play for the night. i was a little late by the time i got there. only few tables left with people and the far right corner there my brother was in a room barred with window grills with which overlooks the whole front yard of the house where the tables and people are. 'the prison' mark calls it. apparently, the crowd earlier on was all the aunties and uncles. in other words, boring people. people come and go, there was some technical problem with the speakers and teck onn's mom was hinting that it was abit too loud and its getting late. and so that was my bro's first gig ever out of score. at least i enjoyed the songs and i do feel that at least he got a different taste of what its like to be out of his comfort zone to perform and play. i bet he learnt a thing or two. oh and of course...absinthe from kino.

on sunday, kev, jane n i made our way to time square to see doug, falique, juan and sandra perform for the battle of the bands. had a long long tiring day. was there the whole afternoon till evening. apparently the battle of the bands had to make way for some stupid kempen budi bahasa where some chinese fellas started dancing on stage looking all so retarded, transvatite indian dance and horrible chinese singing. torturous. after a good two hours the kempen has finally ended and the battle of the bands continued. knowing how battle of the bands were years ago..ive got to say that this time i was pretty lost. i thought there would be more...'normal' bands..rather then hard metal mat rock bands. we were waiting at the sidewalk beside the stage and i swear kev, jane, doug, sandra and i were the only chinese fellas around. the rest where all malays with their big hairdo, their super tight black leather jeans and lalat sunglasses...imagine. need not say more. so after a few bands shouting 'rock tak ganas' and some shit like that, it was doug's band turn to be on stage. we heard them practicing the night before and i feel that they were good.

so the moment of truth..they did a very good job. it was almost flawless. almost. doug and the rest were pretty happy with their performance. it was a relieve to finally hear a good one after some malay 'rock tak ganas' shit. i am proud of the band. they have grown and improved alot since the last time i heard them played. good job guys =) so after waiting and walking around time square we finally decided to head back by the monorail and back to kl sentral. got a pair of black slippers as ive stupidly lost mine in pangkor, got a packet of jellys and dried plums to munch on.

so later at night, we actually head back to kl sentral to pick shane up. ive got to say..ive never seen shane that formal before in my entire life. hahaha.

had a long long tiring day..was hot, humid and not a good day either. my min yang is sick, vomitted bout seven times and worried sick bout him. been missing my min yang alot. come to think of it its been a week since hes been away at pangkor. felt like a lifetime. urgh.

another week till my min yang comes back.

pangkor babe

2006-08-16T23:15:00.000+08:00

'im sure my babe is gonna write alot this time for her blog' so said my min yang and he was damn right. my extended birthday celebration plus vacation plus my min yang's departure for four months training in pangkor laut resort. yupses. four damn months. a beautiful secluded resort, an island on it own, far from civilisation. finally the day has arrived and he has to go. he has to leave on the 13th which is on my birthday as he has to report for work the day after. bummer.

before
on saturday, after a gooood long comfortable sleep my min yang and i took our nice sweet time to wake up, brush up and have lunch in the evening, believe it or not. we are the worse couple when it comes to waking up la hahah. my min yang went to pack his baju and stuff for pangkor and came back an hour plus later. we makaned and then went to buy our bus tickets. took a ride on the lrt to plaza rakyat which is steps away from the puduraya bus station got our tickets and then head back to bukit jalil. picked up my bottle of black label from my ex-colleague which only cost me 70 bucks and then head back home. back home i continue packing my stuff while my min yang played ps with my bro, kev n khirun. tekan tekan tekan. go to pangkor cannot play ps already ma. so i was busy packing till suddenly i heard him calling 'babe..babe' while knocking on my mom's door. he usually would not knock on my mom's door unless if its important, knowing that my mom is in the room. so i blurrly opened the door walked out wondered whats up and was greeted by a loving birthday wish and kiss. i was like 'huh? 12 o'clock already ar? oh yea hor its my birthday already' silly me =) sweet isnt he..

birthday!
i woke up the next day with numerous birthday smses from family and friends. thank you all. and as usual..the waking up part. anyways, we were late, rushed to his parents and had a quick lunch and then they dropped us at puduraya where we meet up with ameer. board the bus at 3pm and woohoo off we go. i slept most of the time in the bus while my min yang was busy playin with his new wipeout game on his psp. bout 3 hours later we reached teluk intan. the hometown of victor. we were 'awed' by the small town. wah got magistrate..wah victor's church..lol. victor picked us up and then head back to victor's house. freshen up and rested for a while. not long after victor's dad came in, wished me happy birthday and gave me an 'ang pau' for my birthday =) victor brought us out to look see - look see. theres this menara condong, the landmark of teluk intan which was our malaysian version of the leaning tower of pisa. i still dont know why it went condong. took a few pictures and then headed to fajar. thats like the only, i repeat the only shopping complex around. so the lads went to do some shopping for their stay in pangkor.

after shopping we then head to al-fresco, the only up to date looking dining restaurant in teluk intan. nice atmosphere with modern settings, feels just like kl for a while lol. the prices there is amazing and so is the presentation of the food. my chicken chop is definately worth RM 15 or more in kl with that kind of presentation but believe it or not its only RM 9! theres also cocktails, mocktails, beer of course and many other liqueur and liquor. so we were busy eating and laughing away. i was talking to my min yang when suddenly at the corner of my eye the waiter walked towards me with a birthday cake lit up and then birthday song played. i swear i went stupid for a while. haha. i was so surprised! i never expected a cake and on the cake, it says 'happy birthday babe' my min yang is the sweetest i tell you. planed it all with victor before we even arrive. oh and the cake is so so good. chocolate cake. never knew teluk intan cakes are so damn good. believe me when i say that my birthday cake can beat secret recipe's anytime. loved it! after that satisfying meal, we took a slow drive back to victor's house while admiring the 'night life' in teluk intan.

so when we got back, and of course we didn't sleep. transfered songs, installed game in poor ameer's very fastest laptop and fed some mosquitoes. well in the end we slept bout 3am and woke up 2 hours later.

pangkor here we come!
victor's dad, whoa f1 driver drove us to lumut, the nearest town to get a ferry to pangkor. the ferry ride is only about 20 minutes or so. vic, ameer n my min yang have to take another ferry which is the pangkor laut resort ferry which is only for pangkor laut resort staffs and guests to pangkor laut. before the ferry arives, a malay man approached us recomending where to stay etc. so we had a good look at the peta on the wall with all 27 resort names. i was lost then. knowing i have only 5 minutes till i board the ferry but i dont know where to stay yet. my min yang and the lads have to report for duty at 10am and board the ferry. so off i go into the ferry, listen to a few songs and reached pangkor. the jetty isnt as fancy and big as the one in langkawi. its a simple long walkway with two ferry ticket counters infront, sufficient seats and that is it. no information counters. nothing. okay this time i really went stupid for a while. dropped my bag on the floor, lit a cigarette before anything else and started thinking. a chinese elderly taxi driver talked to me and ask me where im heading to and i really dont know how to answer him. i figured might as well as him whats around. so we talked for a while, belanjaed him a cig. the only place i remember the malay man saying was horizon inn. so i asked him to take me there as the chinese man said also that it is a reasonable place and so are the numerous resorts which is also at the same row. so okay. lets go.

i went up to the van, along with another man who is dropping off at pangkor laut jetty which is halfway where im getting down. feels weird travelling alone and not knowing where ur heading too. so after 5 minutes the man went off the van and the chinese taxi man asked me again 'so where do you want to go miss?' in chinese. i was cracking my head in that particular 5 seconds and then asked him to just get me to horizon inn, teluk nipah. okay. so we went pass some other resorts which he mentioned was pricey..one or two rows of shophouses..restaurants..and then went up hill and some curvy roads and turns and then downhill and uphilll surrounded by trees and gaung (picture the roads on the way to andaman and datai but short distances) and then finally teluk nipah. while descending the last slope at the far right i saw the beach, sand..waves rushing to the shores. that sight was beautiful. in less than one minute i was in teluk nipah. its a row of many affordable resorts with souvenir shops, convinient stores and makan places. the beach is actually across the road where the shops are. so basically there isn't a private beach. i started to curse and swear at the malay guy who claims that 'oh kat balcony boleh tengok beach dah..' yea rite. there are bloody huge trees around la. so i got lost again since horizon inn is not what i expected and so i asked the taxi man to drive me around to find a suitable resort. so i stopped at pangkor bayview resort. 70 bucks per night and its the only resort there with a swimming pool. checked out the room while the taxi man waited for me. figured that this place has a pool, better then the other resorts so i said yea im taking this place. paid the taxi man, thanked him and paid for the room and checked in.

i put my bag down in my room, on the air con and on the tele and whoala hbo. thank god for astro man. well the only sucky thing is there is no line for digi. not even a single bit so i couldn't get in touch with my min yang, vic and ameer. got to a public phone and called my min yang and that is when i got some bad news. all of them actually have to start work on that day itself. right after. poor thing. they thought that all they need to do is to settle their accomodation and then they can leave. bummer. vic and ameer can only come after 5pm where as my min yang only finishes at 10pm. i looked at my watch and its barely 10.30am. okay. so ive decided to walk around to see whats around..took me less than 10 minutes to see whats around and then i head back to my room. played the psp for a while until my eyes were so so heavy then i slept. i got up bout 3 hours later just in time for a nice tanning session by the pool while listening to my favourite tracks on the psp. well at least that helped me pass time till both vic n ameer came on the bike with philip's help.

after that ive decided to walk around the beach alone to check out the scenery, to feel the sand on my feet. the beach reminds me of langkawi..the rocks on the far right corner just that i coudln't possibly go there alone to see whats there. so i walked and walked with my slippers on. and this is the silly part. the current was surprisingly strong and my toes couldn't hold on to my slippers and it went off my feet! mahai i was like a stupid fella chasing after my slippers. and the best thing is, after ive got my slippers back i wore them back again. smart right. after walking a while my slippers came off again. mahainess. this time i couldn't get them back. i only manage to get one side and the other is a good few meters away. gosh. now what. i lit up my cigarette, waited a while to see if my slippers would ever come back. no apparently it didnt. mahai. i walked back for a good few meters back to my resort while hunting for slippers my size. really reminded me when i walked bare foot in langkawi on the streets. yea..this time in pangkor. finally got slippers which fitted my feet and continue walking back to the resort and waited for ameer and vic. played psp in the lobby while waiting for them and met a cute little malay girl who was so intrigued by the psp so i let her sat on my lap while she patiently watch me play. cute la. when they arrive, they told my min yang that i had an adopted daughter lol.

so the three of us went makan..havent eaten anything since morning. we went to this corner restaurant called nipah waterfront restaurant. spotted a few mat sallehs there and decided to makan there. lol. sat down and ordered while listened to them talked about how the place is like, about my min yang's 'im not a man not yet a woman' haha, about pu-nia-ma, about needing to walk a good 4km around the resort without actually noticing it, about how beautiful the place is and so on. we were laughin so loud like we're high but we're not. vic overdose chilli padi la kut. and so they have to leave and pass the bike to my min yang who will be arriving at 11.30pm. they were contemplating hard on who shall ride the bike as the road back is a nightmare. real scary especially during the night with the hills and curves. gosh i was so so worried on how my min yang has to travel all the way here without even knowing where the place is n at that very moment i didnt even know if he could ride a bike. lol. 'i bet the first thing he's gonna say when he reach here is ooooooh my goooood'

so i went back and waited for my min yang as vic and ameer left to the jetty. and uh huh..the first thing he said was what i predicted. lol poor him. i can imagine the roads n curves n hills he has to go through in the middle of the night and not knowing exactly where to stop. brought him back to the room and talked and talked. gave him a nice massage after a hard days work till he feel asleep =)

day trip at pangkor
now did i mention that riding the bike is my only mode of transportation around in pangkor? oh yes..that darn bike. i was scared to death the last time i ride the bike. i was screaming 'mahai mafucker i'll fucking kill u wynton' the whole street when wynton gave me a ride in langkawi. not good. so knowing that we have to up and down hill and curves..boy i was scared. i have to choice but to hold on tight to my min yang and off we go. ride all the way to pekan pangkor to have lunch. the town is small..just like the size of mega mendung. half the size actually. so after eating we've decided to ride around and see whats in pangkor. so we got on the bike again, pass thru another small town. this small town is like an olden day chinese town and two minutes later we passed by pekan nelayan where the fishing jetty n boats are. next we passed by a chinese cemetery where the graveyards are all way up hill and then tempat pembuangan sampah pangkor where all the dump in pangkor goes to. smelly. we then went thru up hill, curves, trees, hutan simpanan and then finally telok dalam. mahai really dalam i tell you. theres still massive corner up hill curve, imagine genting and then continued by another steep uphill curve. i was like oh no..theres no way we can go up. the bike cant make it. so we turned back, stopped at a place where we can see the sea. nice scenery. after enjoying the scenery while smoking our cig, we then head back to our resort..yes pass the up down hills and curves again. but after the telok dalam..i got not so scared anymore. lol

so back to the room, my min yang got some rest after waking up early in the morning and i of course did my tanning my the poolside. peaceful but mahai the haze really banyak kacau la. got sun but not sunny. and after my so called tanning we went to the beach. this is my first time goin to the beach with my loved one. funny la my min yang. we had fun and then guess what went missing. my ring! mahai the waves was so strong, made me tumble and bergolek a few times. drank sea water, went thru my nose. sigh i miss my ring. the only accesory ive got for the longest time. reaching 5 years and now its gone..never to be found again. i felt that slip thru my fingers and its gone! my min yang tried looking for it but its no use la..can't even see it. oh well. we sat down in each others arms, enjoyed each other's presence and the sea breeze while feeling the waves reaching the shore.

dancing in the moonlight
not long after, vic n ameer join us right after work. we got back to the beach late evening and had fun till it turned dark. theres swings made of huge wooden plank tied way up to the huge trees. now this is the first time dipping in the sea at night. the lads had fun. like small kids lol. i laughed while watching them catching the waves, jumping around, bergolek golek lol. whn nite falls, its beautiful i tell you. we saw this blue glow in the dark bintiks appearing here and there on the sand as the sea rushes to the shore on the sand. we were like 'eh wats that' and went all over to catch whatever it is. we thought it was some glow in the dark creature. it only glows for a while and then dissapears. we tried to carefully gumpal the sand just in time so that it wouldnt get washed off again. lol. cute la. like so suaku. we brought back gumpals of sand back to the resort and did some csi investigation to see what it actually is. its actually one butir of sand but it can glow in the dark. coolness.

we went to wash ourselves up..wanting to go makan in town but ive got this urge to just dip myself in the pool instead. i ran to the pool, no one was there and not long after my min yang, vic n ameer came too. we had the whole pool to ourselves. they did their somersaults, jumps and all. boys will always be boys. we had so much fun until we forgetten that we actually had to meet up philip for dinner in town. quickly went back to shower and get changed then head to town for makan. we had a very nice and satisfying meal..no not bak kut teh nor chi kut teh lol. was bout close to twelve and so we sent ameer and vic off to the jetty. poor lads. they had a bad feeling that they just missed the last ferry back to the resort. we accompanied them while listening to some jiwang mat rock song played from the restaurant beside the jetty which definately did not help their situation. haha. so my min yang fetched me back to the resort as he may need to do a double trip to fetch thm both back to the resort as well knowing that the ferry may not come. so we hoped on the bike, went thru the yes u know wat roads..scary i tell you. you'll definately need much courage to ride thru the dark and spooky hills and curves. got back to the resort, got a shock by my min yang thinking that he left but came back to pee..thought it was some malay fella trying to be funny. but after a good 15 minutes he came back as the ferry did come and pick vic n ameer. luckily.

and so we spend the whole night in each other's arms..hugging ever so tightly knowing that it will be a while till we get to see each other again..embracing how to it feels to fall asleep in the arms of someone you love. and of course the most meaningful and sweetest thing ive ever done with someone i love.. the prayer =)

bye
it is time to leave pangkor and back to kl. to make things worse it rained in the morning. bummer. we waited till the rain stopped but then it rained again. drizzling that is. so we had no choice but to ride in the drizzle. freaking cold as the strong cold breeze brushed thru our faces but it was also fun. nothing feels better then the warmth of your loved one i tell you =) we reached the jetty and the ferry arrived not long after. sigh. time to say goodbye. at that very moment it felt like it was like a dream i had for the past few days..like it wasnt true. like i am not going back and my min yang does not have to be in pangkor for the next four months but that is the truth. we have to say goodbye. we hugged, cuddled, kissed and finally said goodbye. so i got into the ferry, put my bags beside me and travelled back to lumut where to get into the bus and travalled alone back to kl. yupses back to kl.

so here i am. back here alone knowing that someone you love if so far away. well at least i know that two of his frens are with him i am not that worried. i know that its a tough time for him and i really do pray that he'll pull through it with both love from He who is above and me =) omg i cant believe i just said that lol. test of faith i call it.

although i am not there physically always remember that i m always close to your heart. close your eyes and i'll be near. im never far from you..

leo babies

2006-08-16T22:41:00.000+08:00

my favourite cousin of all time, cheri celebrated her birthday on the 11th at luna bar. but before that, during the day i went on a 'mini' shopping spree..well mini coz i dont have quite much to spend but i have to as i need to get my fav cuz her birthday pressie and of course i need some stuff for myself. had a good lunch, manage to find good bargains and a lovely top. it was all worth the money and thanks to my shopping partner and no it is not jane.

i basically couldn't wait for the night to arrive as i can't wait to see my favourite woman. been months seen i last saw her at aunty sand's. the rest of the gang was invited to come along but due to 'unforseen circumstances' and 'monetary issues' they couldn't make it and so it was only my min yang, my bro, kev and i who actually made it to luna bar. very happy that he can make it right after attending a family friend's wedding in malacca and i got another surprise gift =)

kev drove us there, we were late and got a little sesat along the way but arrived safely at menara pan global. so we made our way up to the 33rd floor and we were greated by the serene sight of the outdoor pool with warm lightings and cozy seatings and the beautiful city lights of kuala lumpur. i then found cheri walking out of the ladies with her signature 'oi woman!' while giving me a big hug. 'and you must be the guy' she said to my min yang with a big smile and gave him a big hug too lol. we then head upstairs, which is a more private area with a few more cozy sofa seatings and a bar. its basically like a balcony which overlooks the whole pool area. wooden floored and glass balcony with running water on the ground at the edge of the balcony. all under the moonlight. so we all hung around for a good hour, listenin to some chillout music, meet some of cheri's frens and of course my other favourite vainpot cousin, shaun.

we talked, said our hi's and then this friend, a malay guy who is i think quite high asking us if we know how to shuffle. we were like wtf? i swear i was laughing out loud. and then he said, 'all i know how to do is this la' thn he did some liquid which was pretty good. we went dong for a while looking at him. he talked to us for a while and then left. funny la. so not long after, people are starting to leave and we all decide to go to cynna where the rest of her friends are. took a slow drive to cynna and went makan. some girls were giving out freebies, gatsby hair dye (joy for my bro) ha.

got into cynna after makan, free for ladies. its rather packed and small inside and they were playing salsa and house music..which was not up to my expectation. my bro bet he can do better than that damn dj. kev n my min yang seemed to be having their own fun. making fun of some dances n stuff like that. i laughed my ass off most of the time. met hann whom i have not met also for a very very long time. i guess the last time ive seen him was almost a year ago. army boy. so i danced and laughed the night away. said our goodbyes to cheri on the way out, wished her happy birthday once again.

if you're reading this cuz, i need details ok. de-tails.

happy birthday again cuz *hugs*

done deal

2006-08-07T03:58:00.000+08:00

i have decided to move and leave my current company. a very unorganized, chaotic place. urgh. even the thought of working there for another week makes me sick. i am stressed. to the bone. and believe me when i say that i have never been so stressed before in my working life. perhaps its just work they say but this is receiving unessary stress. i hate it when ive discovered white hair which i have never, im gonna repeat that again, never had. white hair damn it. this is what f&b does to you.

i am suppose to be doing administrative related job is my current company and marketing but it just doesnt ends there. work keeps piling in, a certain someone keeps irritating the living shit outta me, controversial staff politics keeps pouring in and for that very moment i ask myself 'what the hell am i doing here?' i dont even have a proper work space, i come to work only to find useless catalogs, magazines, used papers scattered around, left by some inconsiderate being and believe me when i saw droppings on my table. i would not even want to think further what kind of droppings are they. urgh. there was once i came to work, feeling a little semangat after ive cleared my table the night before and i totally got pissed to find my table all messed up again. let me tell you with what - box of bicardi limon, a huge bottle of dewars and a bombay sapphire on my table. this is what you won't find in a normal office i tell you. like i said, i work more hours than i should, i am doing more work than i should be and most of all i have finally realize that i can't move anywhere up the social hierachy from here. bummer.

so one fine afternoon before work i got up to my computer, click on microsoft words and typed my resignation letter. done deal. nicely put it on my so called gm's table and left it there. ive never felt so relief for such a long time. felt like someone has actually taken off a whole load off my shoulders. just the thought of not need to think and fan so much bout a very uncertain organization just makes me feel..good. pity and it has to be done.

so im leaving. ha.

pure joy fun laughter

2006-07-28T12:56:00.000+08:00

its been a while since i had fun goin out with a bunch of friends and most importantly with your one and only. it was perfect. good music, good atmosphere, good company plus a special someone. whoa i was so damn happy la. first off we were at espanda where mark's friend is spinning for the night. it was wicked i tell you. ive never been to a club where someone is spinning hard beat trance tracks. my min yang couldnt stay still for even five minutes. so couldnt i. haha. it really felt like if we werent there it will be really wasted. damn yan. had some drinks, a bottle of beer and danced away.

anyway, after another good half an hour we decided to adjourn to maison. ive been wanting to go to maison badly since a month ago and finally got to be there that very night. while others drove their way there, kevin, my min yang and i decided to take a nice long walk to maison. we were laughing our assess off all the way even i was walking on my heels for a 2 km..day dreaming bout which car kevin wants to drive home with, making fun of a mat-rempit sign and the hilarious kev n min yang race to the toilet in sheraton. i can swear tht the guards were actually checking on them to see if they were about to do something funny. and then finally..we were at maison. the much awaited and anticipated. for me that is.

mark's friend, needless to say who is another dj got us into maison without the slightest hassle at all. as we walked, hand in hand through the entrance we were awed. whoa. nothing beats the feeling of walking into a club where your type of music is bursting through the speakers tempting you to dance and let it all out. nice. the design of the place really caught my eye and attention. a vintage brick house with cozy settings, fire place like. thats something different for a change. i love the glass balcony where you can stand right at the corner and overlook everything which is goin on on the dance floor. i was enjoying myself to the music, the green laser lights, the crowd, the company and most of all the warm touches of my min yang right at the corner of the balcony. felt like titanic for a moment. haha.

and i thought that was all. my min yang got a surprise call from his best buddy who just got back from indonesia. and he so happens to be very very near by. the look on my min yang's face was priceless! he was already a very happy person and that night he was a very very super duper happy person i tell you. his best buddy meeting his girlfriend. he couldnt believe that everything is happenin at the right time and moment. how ngam can things get rite. so brought him over to maison and we all had more fun. imagine long island tea and dewars neat. massive. got everyone to drink it and the rest was history. i know i danced all i wanted that night with my min yang and my bro. was good fun.

and no..the story doesnt ends there. we had another 'session' back in our place. score arena. my bro and kev ko. sleeping soundly on the benches of score snoring away while the rest of us were occupying ourselves with something else. we then adjourn to mark's place and i got my first try of ahem. whoa. i guess that is sufficient information on that.

was definately a night to remember. definately. its been a long long time since we all enjoyed goin out together to club and have pure fun. just like the old days. the only difference now is that i am enjoying outtings like that without needing to worry unnecessarily. for now, nothing beats looking at your loved one knowing that he feels the same way too and you are rest assured with that smile on his face.

Acceptance

2006-07-19T15:54:00.000+08:00

what happens when a piece of your past slips through the tip of your toungue and lands a stab into his heart?
you taste his hurt
what happens when you couldn't change the past as it has made you who you are?
you swallow his dissapointment
what happens when your past doesn't matter to him anymore cause all he see and love now is you?
you acknowledge his love and presence
what happens when you've dissapoint him time and time again but he still stays and embraces you?
you remember his patience
what happens when you witness love, patience and forgiveness at his most vulnerable moment ?
you learn his acceptance

Sunscreen anyone?

2006-07-14T02:52:00.000+08:00

here is something which i love and have kept with me for many years since my secondary school days and wandered upon while talking to my min yang the other night. well this is definately something worth to ponder by Mary Schimich, Chicago Tribune which was later set to music by Baz Luhrmann entitled Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen. enjoy.

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97:

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

pressure pleasure

2006-07-07T12:00:00.000+08:00

my job. as far as i have been working in this place for two months now..all i can say that i didnt know i have so much patience in me. i have an irritating GM. I-R-R-I-T-A-T-I-N-G!! imagine a person who talks non-stop at the wrong time. someone who is constantly blabbering beside you while you are trying so hard to concentrate and get things done but not help to listen as well coz it may be of importance and of sense. i have to work with someone who walks around with this black knee length jacket with tied up scruffy looking hair and crooked jutting teeth. he seriously looks like some lost wong fei hung got hit by a truck. very sad. he irritates the living shit out of everyone. and i mean it when i say everyone. customers, suppliers and us.

i would not say that i am overloaded with work. but yes i have alot of work to do. its just that i have to work double hard to get my priorities straight in this place. i have work to do directed from my directors and of course spontaneous and suddenly work by my ever so fickle minded gm. and i thought i was fickle minded. at times i really loose certain level of respect for him as a gm. his judgements are so out of place. but who are we to say. so i am juggling many many tasks at the same time. stressed. i hate it whn i am in situations like these. it will only make most of my work 'half-done' and i hate that. procastinating and procastinating. be it because i dont feel like doing it anymore or because of some unforseen circumstances like my gm coming up with another dong idea which he thinks will work really well and get all hyped up about it. sigh.

in only two months time ive discovered and realized so much dark, political and controversial stories of this place. of which i try my very best not to let it interfear with my work performance. its hard in a way really. when you have people telling you one thing and the other telling you another. its hard to be sandwiched and pretend that everything is okay and whatever happened has happened. i can take that fact for now and go easy with it but ive come to realized that they tasted and seen the damage and therefore it sticks with them. oppressed. it isnt easy for them. politics. stressed.

well apart from that working here isnt that terrible. learnt a trick or two from the magicians and my colleagues. and let me tell you magic is really tipu orang one la okay. where else can i lay back and enjoy music, tho crappy at times and watch the world cup while having a smoke and beer while working. ive pretty much watched most world cup matches here with my regulars and colleagues with endless amount of beer for the cheers. not forgetting numerous after work drinking sessions which resulted my 'picasso paintings' on my min yang's car.

so there it is my working life. just wonder if it would be different if i ever decide to take the offer and move.

Love as it is

2006-07-05T11:43:00.000+08:00

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats,
who holds your hand in front of his friends,
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you
and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

somebody's babe

2006-06-19T14:15:00.000+08:00

i am a happy person. for now. i have mixed feelings about it tho and i believe that it is perfectly normal for someone like me to feel this way. if you don't know by now this is what a painful heartbreak can do to you. it makes you believe that you are worthless, a total failure. it basically leaves you with no strength at all within yourself to take that small step to move on in life. it makes you believe that there is no one else out there in the world who can love you as he did before. it makes you believe that dwelling in depression is your only form of comfort and living in denial is your only way of living just to feel slightly better. slightly.

painfully, it makes you scared to be in the arms of another person, scared to even hold back a person's hand, scared to be kissed and kiss again. it makes you not want to over-write and erase the memories of the so called good ol' days where love is all you need. it makes you scared to look eye to eye to acknowledge someone's presence in your life. worst of all, it makes not only you but others feel the pain and hurt that you've gone through. it breaks you. stupidity. it is only then i realized.

for now, i am amazed on how someone whom you know existed years ago made an impact in your life within such a short period of time after years of mere existance. as much as i believed that my second break up was my turning point, i have come to realized that this is the turning point of my life. not him. the point of accepting someone else in your life again, letting someone to love you for who you are and letting that someone comfort your worried and drenched soul. the point of it will either make me or break me.

and so you realized that you are the person who can give him redemption for what he has done in the past. you are the person who inspires him to be just who he is. you are the person who made him more human after many cold years. you realize that he feels that you are the only one and none other. i find myself..not that worthless after all. after all.

this will sound funny. i guess i can finally understand now why it was that easy for him to move on and forget about what we had for the past two years. and i really hate to admit it that i have finally understand the situation when someone new comes into your life, changing everything which is in it. new found glory.

so im taking it while it lasts.

bye kotek

2006-06-15T19:35:00.000+08:00

and so it is, wynton has left for langkawi for good to pursue and work on his career in music. he will be performing along with his father, uncles, cousin in langkawi in the andaman where i had celebrated my birthday at last year. very very nice place. and so, it is times like this when you realize how much a friend can really mean to you. we say that all the time dont we. you mean alot to me blablabla and no doubt you really mean it but when time comes, when that particular person is leaving and of course you know you'll see that person one day la, but still...you'll feel sad. i felt so sad. i really did. i teared. it is also times like these when you reflect back what has happened, all the drinking sessions we had, all the long talks and laughs at the mamak, all the banging session, all the kotek calling sessions and so so much more with the whole ITA and ITI.

some people didn't make it to see him but initially they did and i was happy they did. well to be honest, i couldn't bring myself to see him again..not that we are not in good terms but i know i'll get all emo. very. so maybe its better that way..so tht i dont end up crying non-stop just like before ;) brings back so much memories la last year kotek. we're the official last ones standing rite? i believe that we are all adjusting to the life without wynton. no more 'dont irritate my life la'...no more 'he the worst'. no more 'this chinese people ar...i tell u ha...' and of course so so many more. it really isn't the same without our dear walpo bin zakaria aka soh lian ho.

and so i hope that things will work out fine for you in langkawi, do practice hard, dont give up easily k and please remember me once in a while when you're sipping your heineken in langkawi. and wait you wont believe this la. the band is actually singing - he aint heavy, hes my brother while i am typing this you know. such a coincidence.

i know you'll be reading this one fine day - thank god for the oranges in your fridge kotek. haha. shot.

i'll be there soon so wait for me =)

mother of all

2006-05-29T17:01:00.000+08:00

being the mother of all or not quite yet (winks) i demand you guys to stop spamming my bloody post comment thingy la. its like wynton and jared farting non-stop on a bad stomach day la. tak habis-habis betul la u all.

after ive been missing from the blogging scene for a couple of weeks, here i am now wanting to type all i can in such a short period of time. so so soooo much has happened within these weeks and as usual i always dont know where to start. well, work for me is..weird. i get to bloody choose what time i wanna come. how cool is that. the best thing is i get to answer 'i donno la' when someone asks me what time is work tomorrow. gone are the days when i need to drag myself to work at bloody 7am when my brain still asleep. but in return i have to do loads of stuff which i have never done before and am still in the process of learning. costing, inventory, design, discussing trade-offers in a club and of course, have a drink of two with our regulars =) to be honest, i havent been sleeping properly since the day ive started work. ive been sleeping at 5am and getting up at 1pm for the past 3 weeks and its really starting to drench me. wait..that means im gonna loose weight and be boney. oh joy!

after a few days of hard work its good to be able to see the people you are so familiar with. the people who makes you laugh till you can't breathe. the people you call mahais every two minutes. i feel like i am going through a change now and i need people like that to make me realize who i really am deep down inside. emotionally and logically. probably this whole work and night life phase is really really distractive enough to push me to the end of the wall and leave me with no space to even think. logically that is.

latest news is that ive been to genting chivas event which was really an eye-opener to me. my gosh malaysians can be so..terrible. apparently rumours had it that they will be spinning and partying till 4am but unfortunately at 2.15am sharp the lights at the arena of stars went on. the whole place was bright and you can see drunkards everywhere. people shouting 'encore encore encore' on stages and throwing buckets from one end to the other end. i felt bad for DJ 4 strings. being an international dj and yet witnessing this. its like a freaking riot i tell you..the glass panels of the ticket booths were shattered and of course the police came and settled things while the crowd move and chant 'fuck chivas! we support black label!' funny..well apart from so called riot, the songs are not bad..my brother and I are especially happy when we heard a very very familiar tune..deng deng deng deng..lethal industry! oh and not forgetting a very very unforgetable scene on the dance floor. where can you find 6-7 transvertites dancing and the best thing is, another man is getting it on with her no i mean him. yucks.

for me, feeling quite satisfied with the songs played we walked our way back to the hotel with cold wind blowing on our faces. back in the hotel, we have the case of the missing marcus. me and teck onn have to find him, thinking that he would be damn high to walk around and therefore we searched for him. mahai there he was sitting down on the stairs, comfortably while talking with mei yin by his side. bloody hell. anyway we had a few 'repetition' incident inherited from shane's birthday. friends i tell you. slept about 6am while the others had already got up as they slept early. after getting some shut eye for about 3 hours, we got up and head back to kl.

and so it is, my life now which has turned more than 360 degrees up down left right. i feel lost sometimes really..but in a way i feel that it is probably better this way, being too occupied and not having time at all to think about things which i am not suppose to or things which i ought to be leaving behind. and so it is, things happened, took a turn in my life which i have never ever though that i would have and now, i dont even know if what i am doing is right or wrong. i really do hate this confusing self-discovery stage. you realize things the painful way and be reminded of the past and then hate yourself on how you simply can't leave it all behind. you realize how hard it is to even fall in love again.

i dont understand how..

life and its lessons

2006-05-09T16:30:00.000+08:00

its funny how it feels blogging in an internet cafe and not in the comfort of my office computer anymore with my favourite songs playing. i dont need to watch out for my boss in case he suddenly decides to talk to me and stand beside me whlie i am conveniently chatting or blogging or friendstering or downloading songs or doing all mentioned at the same time. i dont need to minimize my windows anymore and feel damn kan cheong about it. haha. funny. here i am, never needing to go back to the place where have spent one year and four months in. its a pity that i have to leave but when survival and finances are concern..i can't give way to pity and sympathy. i need to support my living too. and so i have left the company.

and so there ends a chapter of my life.

i have so so much to write and express about till i dont even know where to start as history is really repeating again for me. for the better or worse i've yet still to find out. char is hurt again. i guess nobody would ever know how it feels feeling the same thing, same hurt, same hit on the wall not only once but twice AND at the same time as you have felt last year. its like a an insane repetition. and i thought things would be fine if not, better and now i am completely wrong. totally wrong. maybe i shouldn't have gotten back with him the first place. maybe i should have just left it just the way it was when i just got back from langkawi. if i had, maybe i would have move on pretty far by now. now i am just back to square one. if not, worse. i am left with an even more shattered heart.

why is that when you give it all and it goes to waste? i seriously would not want to go on and on how most guys are serious fuckers and hypocrites, just like our good friend here. deny all you want but i am sorry you are. in fact i dont even need to say sorry while addressing you as a hypocrite. i have come to a conclusion that, most guys and especially our good fren here is very easily tempted by temptations. and when you are 'tied' down or 'committed' to someone, it will only feel worse because you can't seem to enjoy what is out there. you feel left out. you want to go but you can't. you want to touch but you can't. you want to feel but you can't. so what do you do? unfortunately, you'll have to leave your partner, saying that i had enough, despite of 2 years of relationship, i want to have fun and live life as it is and conveniently decides to go for a college student. now, what i am suppose to do?

i have to take all the hurt that there is to bear all on my own. whether i like it or not.

its insane how it is really. this time around i have more things to feel sad about. i am feeling sad about the past, the first shot in the head. how i was so sad and depressed that i cried myself to sleep everynight for months. how i endured and gone through the rough times. i am sad at how the happy and carefree, loving days are over and how things have changed. now, i can't believe that it is happening to me again. honestly, come to think of it, so what if he really loved me and missed me after he has broken up with me. things still changed. things will never be the same again. when someone comes back to you, it really doesn't mean for the better. initially i believe it was..but in the end you can't changed the bitter end. so i have tasted and learn this time around. i am heart broken at how this time, i have given in and it goes to waste.

i have figured that it's his life. he can have all the so called 'excitement' and 'exposure' he wants to. he wants to be admired and adored by teenage girls, he can have it. he wants to have all the freedom he wants, he can have it. he knows he'll be better off with people who appreciates and respect his achievements rather than teenages and clubbing girls who only admire and drool over his physical traits, which can be flawed anytime, mind you. i bet he knows that. i call it living in denial. i know and i still believe that he knows what is right and wrong and who he really is deep down inside. he has either 'forgotten' or loose touch of it. seeing me is probably like a hurtful reminder to him on how far he has strayed. pity. just that slight thought, just that split second of thought..that is all i need to know. and i already had. more than that.

i am not looking forward to find another guy..its just too much to bear. i actually have a thought that, i think it would actually be very liberating flirting with guys who are already someone's boyfriend coz it proves that they are indeed fuckers and in the end when they go to bed they think of the times they had and then feel fuckin guilty about themselves with their girlfriend sleeping beside them...and i have nothing to loose but guilt haunts them. that is sweet revenge right there..but still it is just a thought. though of revenge, getting back at unfaithful boyfriends who can't be decent. i guess for now, deep down inside of me what i actually love deeply and miss is the person that he was before...of hopes and dreams.

so, i guess i actually have my closure here. i had a good trip to langkawi, revisited the placed where i once was, felt that feelings that i have once felt. it really does feel funny and weird how time can change so many things. whether you like it or not. at one time, i really felt like this is the lowest point of my life. i am left with nothing. blank. i have to start all over again. as if nothing has happened. as if he had never existed. as if...and it made me realized what a total failure i am. and for my work part, i have to really start building something concrete and i cannot afford to just bump around and wait for time to pass by. its about time i have to work on something which i know i'll be dedicated too. i am thankful that i have many supportive friends and family around me. one said that, ' you have already tasted bitterness. the most bitter moments in your life. perhaps now its time that you should be tasting sweetness'. i really do hope for that to happen for this scar is going to hurt for a very very long time till someone new comes and heal it for me.

he gave you lesson..it is up to you whether you want to learn it or not.

Footprints

2006-04-26T12:18:00.000+08:00

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonging to him and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.

This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trials and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

Kyle gave me this bookmark out of no where..he found it in his 'treasure box' and then just passed it to me. He said, "I donno why but I'm giving you this. Keep it" It is times like these when I believe that God speaks and tries to reach to us in ways which you would least expect it especially during the lowest and saddest moments in your life.

I pray for the Lord to make me feel better. sigh..

One

2006-04-12T14:41:00.000+08:00

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say...

One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One...

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One...life

One

Mark Darcy

2006-03-27T12:31:00.000+08:00

I had a nice evening as I watched Bridget Jones Diary : The Edge of Reason yesterday and loved it very much. always did when i first watched it last last year. lost the vcd and i was craving to watch it till it was shown on HBO. was waiting the whole evening to catch the show. so i sat down and relax and enjoyed the show.

as i was watching i remember how i relate myself to bridget jones and her ups and downs in her daily life. it does seem pretty different now as i recall how i relate my feelings, myself, my image to her, bridget jones back a year ago. i was plump and so is she. she has a so called 'professional career' as an 'outstanding journalist', having her bum exposed in the wrong time and wrong place and as for me, I always aspire to become a journalist, well i've thought of being one, if not a successful working lady with a steady career but i always end up in a also so called 'professional career' where i have to do all the dirty, tedious, not so important job which includes photo-copying, buying tea break refreshments, typing and much more.

apart from that, i felt that i have much weaknesses in me, like how she discovered how much weaknessess she had in her while interacting with her lover's acquiantance. knowing that they are highly educated and to make things worst, her lover's colleague is a stunning, tall and beautiful lady. well it draws down to two things - competition and jealousy. if not - insecurity. for me, i do feel far short from the pretty girls i've seen. tall and pretty, slim with a nice handful of bosom. its fustrating really, when you feel that you can't change much after all, just like how fustrated bridget jones was, i quote her as she blew off on her lover, 'First off, I embarrass you. I can't ski, I can't ride, I can't speak Latin , my legs only come up to here and yes I will always be just a little bit fat.' Just a little bit fat. I was also, just a lee-teh-bit FAT. and that is where my trademark nickname came from - fat fat.

anyway, moving on to a little misunderstanding down the road which eventually leads to breaking up, not seeing her lover for months and that is when she bumped into the handsome, charming yet sinister hugh grant, daniel cleaver. down the road, when things are fine, just like a bed of roses, somehow there will always be that 'someone' who comes back, uninvited, breaching the boundaries of your stable life. well, mine was not that worse compared to bridget jones but i had a little taste of it. tho was just a word of mouth from another, i was already flipped 360 degrees. that guilty past of mine was in sight again and i figured what a fool i was back then. all guilty. i quote bridget jones, 'Daniel Cleaver is a deceitful, sexist, disgusting specimen of humanity that I wouldn't share a lift with, let alone a job.' yup, i guess its best to describe that 'someone' that way.

then she got into a little trouble in the thailand airport and off goes daniel cleaver and in goes her into the prison. she spent days and weeks in the prison, trading her bra for cigarettes to the thai ladies. the ladies discussed why how their boyfriends mistreated them. ' my boi-fran very bad. he make me work tuan-tee four hours a day..make me take heroin then hit me. how bout you bree-jit. what he to do you?' one of the thai ladies asked. it was then she realized that what a dumb fool she has been. it was then i realized too that, there are times where arguements get worse and heated up and you felt like you should never been with him in the first place and you want to leave once and for all. but the thing is, we fail to realize how blessed we are and probably our relationship isn't that terrible after all compared to abusive relationships and many more.

well the bottom line is, despite all her 'just a little bit fat' and the times she embarass him in front of his higly ranked delegates from all over the world, and the 'like a vir-sion' sing-a-long session in the prision in thailand where she was imprisoned for possesing drugs with other imprisoned thai ladies, he is still very much in love with her. very. mark darcy came to the rescue.

honestly, i am uncertain as i jot these lines here. well considering the unforseen circumtances that could happen to anyone, anywhere and anytime. considering other factors that could tarnish a loving relationship, i cross my fingers, i hope and pray that my mark darcy loves me unconditionally, loves me for who the person i am and i have become, provided i do my part the best i can.

but again, nobody is perfect and mark darcy is too good to be true. well i guess its trust on the line and above all things, love. my mark darcy .

nak tengok lagi tak?

2006-03-24T19:52:00.000+08:00

the opening

song after opening

the laser lights

love comes again

awesome track

pretty dissapointed we weren't there long enough for both anthems

more videos to come from cheri!

dak nampak Tiesto happy tak?

2006-03-22T12:40:00.000+08:00

me and my brada

pretty lights

happy people =D

the man they call Tiesto

wicked!

we are officially known as the 'tiesto people'

woohoo!! i am a satisfied person after ive been to the Tiesto FI Pit Party at KLIA. yes i finally got to see Tiesto in person, on stage. whoa no words can explain how i feel man. he is so cool man and it was all the better having close frens n family around me experiencing and sharing the excitement.

we were there pretty early about 9.30pm. we parked pretty far from the place but 'wakable' la. once we got down of the car, we heard something familiar..very very familiar. well its none other then the 'dub dub dub dub'. whoa excitednye. so we make our way to the place, walked our asses through the open car park. seriously far. as we were walking we could see the canopy and the air ballons and the lightings whoa i was awed by the setup. well ive never been to rave party mar. but anyway it took us a while to redeem our miserable one free drink. good ol heineken then we stood a while and looked around at the bengs and lians and some other people there and then we decided to join in the crowd. till this very day, i still wonder where on earth did those shufflers get their umbrella like striking streak pants. haha.

we were there for a good 30-45 minutes, semangat..the crowd was getting restless and shouted 'tiesto! tiesto!' for a good 10 minutes during a stupid lion dance performance during the interval. wtf? lion dance performance at a rave party? if that wasn't weird enough, after the lion dance performance, there were kompang players dressed up nicely in baju melayu in two separte lines. and then, the kompang players started hitting their kompangs, predictable. oh and then Tiesto made the enterance with fireworks shooting up to the air. whoa...geng.

without wasting anymore time, he started spinning awesome hard trance tracks. the crowd went nuts i tell u..i did too . hehe. everyone was all jumping, yelling, basically savouring each and every moment. the spinned darn well. no glitches, smooth and when the climax hit, boy we were all jumping again. and as usual my bro will start 'counting and analyzing' on his own. but overall his choices of tracks for the night was all good. we went on for a good hour or two and then it was too much to take. felt like we could pass out any moment, our legs were killing us and i was on heels by the way. heh not a wise thing eh. and moreover need to make our way to wynton's birthday. so we left, literally forcing ourselves through the sweaty, stinky, packed crowd. we walked all the way back to the car. it was utmost tiring walk ive ever attempt, considering ive been dancing n jumping around for hours in a stuffed crowd. whoa. the moment we all sat in the car we were like 'whooa...this is heaven..whoaa.' hahah sakais.

so, we've seen gay men on podiums taking off their shirt, bloody ma chans walking in lines from here to there and there to here with their sunglasses on tho its bloody nite time, ke-lings dancing with their armpits stickin up in the air...not a pretty sight. the air was humid, stuffy and the bass is literally pumping your heart out of your chest. the 'dub dub dub' straight to your heart man. but it was all good. all good. and it was worth it just to see the man. Tiesto baby! the god on stage =)

and here i quote my bro, " we've seen armin, now we've seen tiesto..one more to go. pvd!'

p/s. thnx cheri for the pics

30 cents ah..

2006-03-01T16:26:00.000+08:00

yes it went up again. petrol price. tho i aint a driver, but i felt the pinch. imagine that. and i thought that there will be no more increases in future. 30 cents is pretty alot aint it. now what bothers me is, PM noted that the 'savings' will be used for the people. savings? what savings? "The estimated annual saving of RM 4.4bil in fuel subsidy will be spent to improve the public transport system" he said. "The money that we save from the subsidy will be returned to the rakyat in the form of a better public transport system"

savings from subsidy, better public transport system. bluugh. double bluuugh. i wouldnt say its such crap but come on, how true is this going to be. i personally think the public transport system in malaysia is a one big failure. yea the system has been around but im sorry to say that it isnt efficient at all. and if efficiency means more busses. and hey isnt public transport busses are actually privatised companies? RapidKL, Metro etc. KTM privatised. Star, Putra privatised. now government oh government where do you come in? maybe the government does play an important role but we're just not seeing it.

now if after this year, and there isn't any improvement on the public transport system as our dear PM mentioned, i reckon a riot. imagine the amount of money driver's have spent to lessen the government's burden. go figure.

now, in order not to be caught under the ISA or any other legislature, law, peraturan, undang undang tertentu shit. this is only my humble opinion.

Down memory lane..

2006-02-22T11:36:00.000+08:00

I have this sudden urge (yes, Im a girl of sudden urges lately) to recall old cartoons and cartoon characters that I enjoy or have watched before when I was a kid.

1. Strawberry Shortcake

As far as I can remember, I might have only watched it once or twice but believe it or not, I can still picture some particular scenes I've watched 18 years ago. I always wanted to search for it online but didn't have the time until today.I have fond memories of watching two episodes of the Strawberry Shortcake when I was about four years old. For those of you who didn't know, when I was about four, my mom, brother and I was living in Singapore for a period of time as my dad was working in Singapore/JB at that moment. For how long exactly I was in Singapore, I couldn't remember.

I remember that its about a girl who lives in Strawberry Land (needless to say) and she has friends like Huckleberry Pie, Blueberry Muffine, Orange Blossom and theres always a villian, The Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak (what a name) and his bird who does this Raa-taa-taa-taa-daa thingy. I believe that the cartoon was actually my cousin's and I miss it so so much throught these years. Can't seem to find it anywhere and I've read that they actually re-made the cartoon and it doesn't look like the old one at all. In other words, it's 'modernized'. Shucks. Now I wonder where I've put that small doll which my cousin gave to me. It's about 7-8cm tall and iIt has a light strawberry scent. Guess I can't find the doll anywhere either.

2. Pink Panther

Now everyone can recognize the famous detective, sneaky like music intro of this cheeky cartoon. Pink Panther is Pink, of course, tall, lean, smart and he never talks. Well I dont know bout the new cartoon tho but as far as I can remember, I don't think any other characters in the cartoon utters a single word. There's this small big pointy nose who jumps around in anger, stomping his feet for what reasons i really can't remember and all pink panther does is look at back him cool and relaxed. ha funny.

I've seen new episodes but its nothing compared to 60s cartoon. They don't even show the old ones on tv anymore. Not that 'marketable' I supposed.

As I am pretty lazy to search for relevant pics to be put in here I think im just gonna list down the rest. lazy me.

My Little Pony
Noah's Ark
Carebears
Mickey and his caravan
Bugs Bunny
Tom & Jerry
Woodywood Pecker - ha ha ha ha haa

There this one particular cartoon, its not a whole long cartoon movie but its those one short cartoon. and ive been wanting to watch this cartoon real badly. its about a girl with a rag doll. the ragdoll became alive (animated) and so did the girl, and bought her around and everthing became animated, with candy sticks and some other stuff. they went on a choo choo train and pass through walkways and the reach to a waterfall if im not mistaken. and at the end of the cartoon, it was actually a dream. she actually feel asleep on a beach just below a staircase. she then walked up the stairs back to i forgot where with her ragdoll. her mother came out, uttered something which sadly i cant remember and then the girl replied with a smile.

I love watching some current ones like Winnie the Pooh. silly ol' bear and T-i-double-g-e-r. oh de-de-de-dear! ha ha. and please dont laugh at me when i say i actually like watching the power puff girls. especially mojojojo when he grumbles on and on about 'it is I mooojojojo who will rule the world and no one else because I moooojojojo will take over the world and no one can stop me not even the powerpuff girls for I mooojojojo" ok thats enough. and of course 'cuuuuurses!'

come to think of it, jotting all of these down I wanna be a kid again. ssheesh.

ok back to being 22. wait a minute.

T-T-F-N! ta ta for now!

n thnx cheri - how can i have forgotten about the smurfs! la la la la la la, la la la la la..those small blue creatures. Theres Papa Smurf, Smurfette "this white one or this one", baby smuf and the ol' Gargamel. wat a name. i still have a smurf soft toy in my cupboard am still not throwing it away for my dad gave it to me when I was young. hehe.

80s flashback

2006-02-10T18:37:00.000+08:00

I have this sudden werid urge to listen to some tracks from the 80s. never appreciated em. theres something about the 80s which I am just not quite attracted. I find it hard to describe the 80s. weird. but I have widen my horizons and im lovin it.

Here's my list of classic 80s track :

She's a maniac
Shattered dreams
My name is Luca
You can do magic
Papa don't preach

happy dong dong chiang!

2006-01-27T15:29:00.000+08:00

and so it is, we, chinese, well not only chinese but other races in Malaysia will be celebrating Chinese New Year starting this coming Sunday till the next remaining 14 days. yay! i am going to have a week long holiday. no work for a week! double yay! i can sit back and relax, visit family members, eat mandarin oranges, gamble..oops i mean play cards with a 'price' hehe..

okay. as per my previous entree, I hereby declare what I have bought for Chinese New Year:

1) a dress (RM 45)
2) short jeans skirt (RM 49)
3) peach pink top (RM 25)
4) pink spaghetti strap top (RM 15)
5) 3 pairs of dingling dangling earrings (RM 10)
6) light purple flowery hair band and another fancy brownish beedish hair band (RM 10)
7) pastel green heels (RM 31)
8) black pointy heels (RM 49)
9) dark pink bra (RM 48)
10) bright pink bra and panties (RM 15)
11) light green bra (RM 12)

total ive spent for this year is = RM 309.00 thats a rough calculation actually. not bad huh. yes i am goin to say this again. no levi's for me this year. don't think i should buy during chinese new year shopping. need more time to look and choose a proper and nice one, well considering my fluctuating body flabs. gah.

i feel that i have broken a personal 'tradition' this year. i didnt buy anything red this year. i know it may sound a little conventional to have red for chinese new year but hey, thats what chinese new year is all about right? red red and red. didnt manage to find a nice red top though..so i opt for pink. ha.

anyways, really looking forward to visiting my family members, friends and 'card playing sessions'.

happy dong dong chiang everyone! its angpow collection time!

shopping spree..not

2006-01-20T15:21:00.000+08:00

did i ever mention how hard it is for me to shop? did you know that i can spend the whole day walking through shop by shop and end up buying nothing? sounds impossible i know. gah. i know i am too normal. in fact i am too plain and normal till its a habit to me. i cant change. fancy stuff doesnt work on me. i just can't buy it unless it looks really great on me and having something to look really great on me is like one out of hundred? well, all i search for is a plain jeans, a plain skirt, a plain top. i am trying to be a wee bit fancier but..can u believe that im actually having second thoughts as to buy or not to buy dingling dangling earings and even hair band. sheesh.

i am having a hard time seaching for some new year clothings and believe me, those irritating chinese new year songs are not helping at all. dong dong chianging all the way while i am hunting high and low for that ONE particular jeans which will hopefully tuck my ass in proper shape or skirt in that matter. sometimes its fitting in the ass but loose at the waist. sometimes its fitting at the waist but loose below. why am i born with huge tighs and a big ass? no levi's this year =( now tops. i cant stand gold-dust, sequince and fancy printed top. shucks. that only leaves me with plain coloured tops rite. see i told ya.

stuffs which ive already bought:

1) a dark pink bra - i hear u say pink??
2) a peach pink top
3) long sleeve working shirt with fine light green horizontal lines
4) heels - pastel green, beige

stuffs i need to buy
1) long jeans/pants
2) short jeans/pants
3) skirt
4) another 'fancier' top
5) most importantly - red top

shopping as never been that 'enjoyable'. i need inspiration. badly. oh and a make over too. please. apart from that, happy chinese new year shopping everyone.

my love affair

2006-01-12T09:38:00.000+08:00

this is my love affair simply because i think about it almost 24-7. i want to do it so badly altho it isnt a must for me to do. i wouldn't say that im addicted to it or im just a freakazoid. this is my affair of loosing weight, well, or wanting to loose more weight, trying to maintain my weight and complaining about why my arms are still flabby, my tighs are huge and my ass doesnt stays in my jeans like they used to and why i have gained 2 kgs in such a short time - in 3 months. gah.

now lets do the math here. i lost 5kgs in 4-5 months. now in 3 months time i have gained back 2kgs. that leaves me with another 3-4 months till i gain back all the weight that i have lost! oh no no no..now that shall not happen to me. and please believe me that i am really picturing lindsay lohan in my mind now with her obvious collar bone and ever so lean arms and sharp face. gah. yea.. i know ive heard that i look fine la..ur ok now la..dont loose anymore weight la. hey the fact is, i have never been that self conscious before since...well since...(thinks) long time ago.

i wouldnt say that i am miserable. i am not. i am just..concerned. yea concerned about what is about to happen to my body. i have this silly theory that i thought of just to make things a little more clearer to me. well, i was not eating right, smoking my lungs out, exhausting myself at gym n not eating after that for a couple of months. now that i have regular food intake and sometimes eccessively,dinners and munching on weekends with not so equal amount of time at the gym, i think my body is reacting to the amount of food that i am taking versus the workout. i wouldnt say that it is an abnormal reaction but..imagine the amount of nutrients (now this includes the fat, the carbo n whatmore) that my body is absorbing. hhhmm...i shouldn't eat anymore?

what i find most surprising is, i think i feel happier when i can see my collar bones and pelvic bones sticking outta body. i would jump of joy if i could see my boney arms again. sheesh that was for a little while there. and believe me when i say this, i yearn to have a boney body like lindsay lohan. i am indeed serious. freakazoid. well the thing is i dont know if this is just a mental state of my mind or well its another phase of complain and forget about it and then complain about it months later thing. i dont want to turn into fat fat char again :(

i have all of these nutty contemplations in my mind and not wanting to wipe it off away just because maybe ive never really accomplish anything big in my life before, nothing counting scoring numerous As for my major exams but yea physically i have never accomplish anything big before. and yea i know 5kgs isnt alot compared to some who have lost 10, 15 or even 20kgs but to me its an accomplishment. loosing that 5kgs off my body and hey i see bones! perhaps ive never been to that state before and therefore i crave for it cause its like something new to me.

if you are reading this and you are freakin out, well fear not for i am working on my muscles and not only wanting to see bones ;) doubt so? i am also trying to improve my very weak and low stamina by working on more cardio exercises. good enough? oh and yes i am eating too. taa daa!

hey i have just remembered that around this time of the year last year (check my previous entries) i was also contemplating about my weight and wanting to loose it and tried this silly south beach diet thing which eventually freaked me out cause for the first time in my life i have cravings for rice!. and of course the diet didnt work coz chinese new year made it way through me and i was eating like a cow again.

heh. chinese new years round the corner and you know what that means. F-O-O-D! shits im a sucker for good food. guess i'll just chew gum.

oh bother.

smelly..

2006-01-06T12:56:00.000+08:00

i just have to create this entree to 'honour' the famous sayings by the ITAs for the past one year. basically we use either one or more of these 'profound' phrases in our daily lives as we converse, talk, joke or swear at each other. as described by kevin, the ITA dictionary hehe.. i might have missed some or it just hasnt got into my mind at the moment. anyway, for those who didnt get it well its just because you weren't there to witness and understand it but read on anyway.

1) smelly oh...
2) haih..people change la
3) go sit in the sea and bark at the moon
4) yao mou...yao la tiu!
5) kat mane?
6) eh eh leh..
7) ah babi!
8) namo namo namo
9) gorgeous
10) eh sotong!
11) lei lei lei lei pei gao ngau la tiu
12) intersperssino
13) putang inaka
14) basically (blablabla) basically (blablabla) basically (blablabla)
15) yeeeeeeees ar..
16) reaaaally ar..
17) ok thank you
18) Aiiyoooooorr!!
19) dah la bodoh nak bodoh lagi bodoh!
20) u..u.u..give yerrow coror, caterpirrar, harry pot-er, parrot fark la tiu
21) ah fark u la
22) settle!
23) you donno how my heart feel u know..
24) yea dei
25) balls - used as a closure in most of our sentence. for example : damn hot balls
26) ah..wat..wat..wat..
27) blaaady hell
28) mahai!
29) kena bang! kena bang!
30) shot!

thnx kev n cheri for reminding. well if ur reading this and uve got somethin to add in, add on!

cheers to 2005

2005-12-19T10:37:00.000+08:00

its almost the end of the year but i dont really feel that its the ending of year 2005 tho. it still feels like somewhere in the middle of 2005. its the time of the year where you'll sit down and reflect back on the list of events which had happen throughout the year..what you did, what you should have done..what you shouldn't have done and things like that. a little too early for a new years resolution, 2005 time to to reflect eh?

i have a few areas in life which i have to reflect about. firstly, and i hate to say this but i have to - work. why am i here? why am i still working for this company? what will i get if i stay longer..how can i improve in my work. shits. should i still be here to help things out or should i start venturing into areas that i like instead. but come to think of it..i am like stuck here. if i were to venture and seek other opportunities in the areas of PR, advertising, communications, i aint have the qualifications yet. you should have taken your degree girl! now i know..but i wouldnt say that i have been wasting time tho. my plan was to save up some money so that I can get a part time course, may it be PR or not. sigh. looks like theres no money in the bank too girl. now this leads to another area in life which i really need to improve on - saving my money.

hell i need a financial planner and no i dont need jane. i kept asking myself..hell where did all my money went. some money to my mom, gym..the rest, in short - i've spent it. on what you asked? hhmm...few things i guess but mostly my daily expenses. seriously i have to start saving up. may it be hundred, two hundred a little is better than nothing in the end. money money money.

im actually thinking of getting a car..a new comp. i should have been better at saving my money. k now im feeling a little upset about myself. stay focus char, save money char, get a new comp char..sigh.

okay. this is what i plan to do for the next year. well at least if its stated here, i get to view it every now and then and i could get my focus straight again =)

1) save mah money
2) get a new comp
3) get a part time degree course
4) loose weight (muahaha)

and well about my job, hell..i kinda like it here. but i have doubt if this company ever survives through next year tho.

now, who can ever forget about my drama rama of depression which happened somewhere in the middle of this year. sigh. all that crying and not eating and smoking and drinking and crying. whoa. it has really tested my faith, my strength and almost everything i had left in me. i have never ever cried that much in my life before. i have never ever been that sad and depressed before. my whole life was like flipped upside down. its part and parcel of life. we taste bitterness and sweetness along the way in life. did i learn anything along the way? yes i did. and did i gain anything along the way? i definately did. ive learn to love family and friends, to keep them at heart. ive learn that some people would go way beyond their means to ensure that you're fine and that at least you're feeling better. ive learn that alot of people were concern and worried about me when all i thought was i was the only one walking towards the bitter end. hell it was a rough journey.

i guess throughout the whole year..there were many many events which had happen to me. i lost weight hehe, all the birthday parties, the outings, the yam cha sessions, jared's hillarious namo namo jokes, wynton's moment of glory, my bro buaying, the victorious futsal sessions, langkawi trip, the cat and dog love making session (you wouldn't wannna know more) and so much more..as i am typing, this particular moment kept playin in my mind. i remember the peaceful moment whn me and my bro was lying down sunbathing, soaking up the sun in langkawi while listening to all of my favourite tunes..and suddenly i had an unexpected birthday message. perhaps its the most memorable and unexpected moment of the year for me and it all went well from there =)

cheers to 2005, the year that has made me seen the better and worse of me.

year 2006 here we come!

bows to Armin Van Buuren

2005-12-13T08:55:00.000+08:00

Armin Van Buuren! whoa I had such a great great time at zouk with my bro, mindy, mark and some other friends. This was my first ever dj event and I tell ya it was so so damn awesome. Its that exciting feeling you get inside of you when you have finally get to meet or in this case, see someone whom you have been listening to. ha but i wouldn't say that i am a die hard fan of his..but i enjoy listening to him. I was expecting him to spin a song or two from his old compilations but oh well, what he played that night was so freakin awesome. This guy is seriously good. and the best thing is mindy managed to get a pic of the holland lad =)

wait, I bet you're thinking that 'what? u listening trance? oh, come on' oh ya come on. To be honest I've been listening to trance since my secondary school days believe it or not and that was like about 3-4 years back. and another believe it or not, i started listening to trance because my bro was listening to them most of the time and I got hooked on it and perhaps just give it a try and whoala. can you believe that? for once in my lifetime, my brother actually influenced me. *laughs*

I am not ashamed coz I listen to trance. that doesnt put me in the list of 'feng tau' kaki. 'feng tau' techno is way out of my list ok. I personally categorize it as 'low class' dance tracks. hell it gives me headache. However, trance is like art. Its all about getting the right mixture of songs, the tempo, the beat, the effects which creates this weird feeling in your heart when you know that particular part of the song is so beautiful yet unexplainable which is different than other songs out there. well i know i suck at explaining but that is the closest that i can get.

my bro is actually 'taking lessons' from a friend, mark to get hands on the equipment and get a taste of what djing is like. hes picking up pretty fast and i am actually pretty happy for him. of all these years of listening, you'll seem to appreciate and know more when you know how it is actually produced or mixed. I guess he feels the same too.

dj kursk =)

go Westside!

2005-11-27T15:14:00.000+08:00

a damn good play yesterday guys - my bro, shane, kyle, chris, khirun, and two more dudes yang tak kenal
(if anyone of you are actually reading this)

good luck and all the best for tonite's semifinal and finals.

go break a leg!

and DOOOOOOOOOOOOUG!! sorry la douglas =)